Last Lemon Productions daily e-mail cartoon archive
Archive of daily cartoons from Last Lemon Productions since February 2003.

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21 Oct: Or do you just want the bourbon-pecan-praline with an innuendo of desiccated camel lymph?
20 Oct: Be the person your dog thinks you are.
19 Oct: Jíagree itís the start of a new week, mais je suis tired & je ne care pas...
15 Oct: Gnu, gnat, g'nite
15 Oct: http://bit.ly/MEwithoutYOU Kickstarter
14 Oct: Itís normally normal around here. But just right now itís not, Iím afraid.
13 Oct: Some days I feel like my life is just a handful of ice; I struggle to hold it all together, and just can't help feeling it all slipping away. The only solution of course is to drop it all into a generous glass of gin and tonic...
13 Oct: the beginning of the end
9 Oct: following popular demand, an app version of my Hasselhoff decoagulator is now available for iphones and fax machines. I told you it would go big, and you never believed me...
7 Oct: DONíT CRY OVER SPILT MILK. Unless of course you were going to make cheesecake with it, in which case itís fine to cry.
6 Oct: Most people live life in three dimensions: length, width, depth. You live life in four dimensions: Length, width, depth, chocolate.
3 Oct: i feel super-weird today...i.e. normal weird, but with a red cape.
31 Oct: Last vimrod
16 Aug: by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, you find out what you are truly capable of becoming. or not.
12 Aug: i have normality issues...
8 Aug: HAPPY PROJECT
8 Aug: whenever you do not understand what is happening in your life, just close your eyes and say WTF is going on
6 Aug: all i need is 10 hours sleep every night and iíll be fine, really.
4 Aug: Men or books?
2 Aug: shall i clean the house or go out and buy stuff
1 Aug: i shall not be coming in to the office for the rest of the week as overnight i turned into a mermaid and i cannot be out of the water for too long. plus i also think my breasts might be something of a distraction.
30 Jul: nurture a reputation of being odd...youíll be amazed how much it lets you get away with.
25 Jul: you don't stop dancing because you grow old. you stop dancing because you suddenly realise how weird you look when you dance.
24 Jul: reality continues to annoy me....
23 Jul: woke up in the middle of the night, absolutely terrified to realize there was a crazy person in my house. luckily it was me...
22 Jul: I am difficult. Deal with it.
19 Jul: my reality is significantly better than your reality...
19 Jul: ever seen a jogger smiling
18 Jul: KEEP CALM and DONíT SEEK REVENGE. MOVE ON
17 Jul: everyone around here are stupid
16 Jul: i just donít have time for the nervous breakdown i feel i truly deserve...
15 Jul: i feel super-slack today, i.e. normal slack, but with a red cape...
12 Jul: tfif
11 Jul: in the midst of normality, i found there was, within me, an invincible weirdness...
10 Jul: i'm not questioning your sanity. i'm simply denying its existence...
9 Jul: you're not quite yourself today i noticed the improvement right away...
8 Jul: for one minute, walk outside, stand there, in silence, look up at the sky, and contemplate how amazing life is. then go back inside and watch tv. there's amazing stuff on tv.
7 Jul: i canít come into work this week because i fell off my unicorn and twisted my ankle...
5 Jul: WE ARE ALL DESTINED FOR GREATNESS: Just with some of us it seems to be taking slightly longer than anticipated.
4 Jul: i live my life as a duck: an air of calm on the surface, but paddling like a nutcase underneath...
28 Jun: Eat chocolate whenever possible. it is always possible...
27 Jun: leave me alone. i have a coffee to drink and a universe to conquer...
26 Jun: i'm no good at small talk. i only do the big stuff, like business and war and shoes...
25 Jun: vision without action is daydreaming. nothing wrong with a bit of daydreaming every now and then...
24 Jun: today has been cancelled. go back to bed...
23 Jun: Can money buy you happiness? Give me the money and Iíll give you a comprehensive written answer.
22 Jun: i am afraid you are completely bonkers. (but worry not, all the best people are)
22 Jun: whatís on my mind? biscuits. if truth be told...
21 Jun: Wow you're so cool...
20 Jun: Passport Holder: Peopleís Free Republic of Blissful Delusion
19 Jun: iím sorry but i canít seem to hear you over the sound of my facial hair growing...
18 Jun: I donít do the KEEP CALM & CARRY ON thing. I do the spontaneously combust and go totally mental thing, fyi...
16 Jun: Father's day
14 Jun: iím worried that next year this time i wonít be able to remember what i was worrying about today...
13 Jun: i donít do the KEEP CALM & CARRY ON thing. i do the KEEP CALM & QUIETLY, stealthily, chillingly PLOT REVENGE thing...
12 Jun: i can't come in to work today because my nervous breakdown has had a nervous breakdown...
11 Jun: Given current technology and with proper training, would it be possible for someone to become batman?
10 Jun: Hello Monday!
7 Jun: every day i get to work with the best intentions and the right attitude, then idiots happen
6 Jun: Stay weird
5 Jun: iím totally flexible provided everythingís EXACTLY the way i want it
4 Jun: itís only one seven billionth about you...
3 Jun: never, ever, EVER underestimate my ability to find shit out
31 May: i must admit that after the guests had all gone, we began to bitch about them, and it felt good...real good. http://
31 May: i may look CALM but in my head iíve killed you 4 times
30 May: iím really really worried that people will think that iím anxious, when in actual fact,iím not...
29 May: i donít do that KEEP CALM & CARRY ON thing. i prefer the SWEAR & BREAK STUFF thing
28 May: MORE ME. LESS YOU. Simple really
27 May: there are two important things in life: the one is money, and the other is...i canít remember what the other one is.
26 May: have you ever just stood there quietly and contemplated how weird you actually are...
24 May: my intention was to behave...but i got overwhelmed by the plethora of other options...
23 May: I didnít say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
22 May: Weird as individuals, awesome as a couple...
21 May: if you have friends who are AS WEIRD AS YOU, then you have everything...
21 May: Somewhere, SOMEHOW, a duck is watching you.
20 May: this week couldnít possibly be weirder than last week. or could it?
17 May: if you can meet the needs of all my varying moods, then i consider you a true man...
16 May: High maintenance, but SO worth it...
15 May: over reacting
14 May: my therapist says iím a catch...
12 May: New story: I LOVE MY MOM
9 May: TEAMWORK: A lot of people doing what I say
8 May: Donít interrupt me whilst Iím talking to myself...
7 May: My therapist says it's all your fault...
6 May: i let my mind wander...but it never comes back
5 May: the world is a scary place but at least i donít have undies that crater-creep...
4 May: i shall be awesome, i shall be bold, i shall be brave and true. (but first i need the loo) http://
3 May: Having moi as a friend? Never question it. Ďtis a sign of good taste...
2 May: Everything is going to get EVEN WEIRDER. Pass it on.
30 Apr: Am I officially old enough to be qualified as eccentric? http://
29 Apr: iíve decided. when iím older iím going to be really difficult.
26 Apr: EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JUST FINE. Pass it on.
25 Apr: Is the glass half full or half empty? Who knows and who cares?
23 Apr: Tinker, tailor, Soldier, sailor, Rich man, poor man, Beggar-man, thief, cupcake.
22 Apr: i vacillate, therefore i am, i think, no?
19 Apr: what if iím sexy but donít know it?
18 Apr: we have weird LIVES, punctuated by brief episodes of relative normalcy...
17 Apr: they say you are what you eat, but i genuinely donít remember eating a greek god?
16 Apr: iím so gloriously sexy that it actually overflows...
15 Apr: where thereís a wine thereís a way
12 Apr: i decided to act like a crazy person for a day to see what it was like. it felt so good that i just kept doing it. been an amazing few years...
11 Apr: small brain, big mouth, things even out
10 Apr: Hissy fit
9 Apr: You = Soulfood
8 Apr: us women arenít moody. there are simply days when weíre less inclined to put up with your shit...
5 Apr: iíve been staring into the face of the abyss, but it wont blink...
4 Apr: i have no need to take my self-awareness medication because iím completely awesome.
3 Apr: iím so busy that i think iíll just go to bed...
2 Apr: i donít find it weird that my friends are werd. itís quite wonderful actually...
1 Apr: I'm not arguing. I'm merely explaining why I'm right.
28 Mar: those people who want a full conversation really early in the morning, like before coffee, itís ok to kill them...
27 Mar: teamwork? yes, as long as its a large team and they all work for me...
26 Mar: How to avoid sounding like an idiot
25 Mar: how relevant are we on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 = irrelevant and 10 = utterly irrelevant?
22 Mar: I work very well with others provided that... http://
21 Mar: New website
20 Mar: some people hear little voices inside their heads. i hear the sound of little chocolates being unwrapped...
19 Mar: How annoying do you find him on a scale of 1 to 500 where 1 = annoying and 500...
18 Mar: i canít quite work out whether my life is absurd, ambiguous, ambiguously absurd, absurdly ambiguous...
14 Mar: I talk total shit. Therefore I am. http://
14 Mar: Embrace life's absurdity
14 Mar: Nobody's perfect. Je suis nobody.
13 Mar: VIMROD: apologies, i got distracted. what kind of deficit disorder did you say i had?
12 Mar: Perfection can be burdensome, but a little drinkie every now and then takes off the pressure, donít you find?
9 Mar: Vimrod: sometimes i like to just stand here and celebrate my broad-based manliness...
8 Mar: find, (especially at work) that being mentally present is something of a pain in the arse...
7 Mar: iím so excited to be doing the righteous indignation workshop. itís a character trait iíve always admired in others when effectively deployed...
6 Mar: when one door closes, another one opens. or you can just open the closed door. that's how doors work.
5 Mar: all shall be well, all shall be fine, as long as i have you, and plenty good wine
4 Mar: OFFICE EXCUSES - NEW BOOK OUT TODAY
4 Mar: today i shall LIVE IN THE MOMENT. unless of course if itís unpleasant, in which case i shall go back to bed...
1 Mar: i have butterflies in my stomach. (i should never have eaten those bloody caterpillars...)
28 Feb: Vimrod: Wait. Wot? http://
27 Feb: Vimrod: One day iíll sell up, buy a cottage in a small village, and become its idiot...
26 Feb: Laughter without borders - pass it on
25 Feb: This is going to be a superb week. Pass it on.
23 Feb: Life is sweet. Pass it on. http://
22 Feb: Compromise? what is this word ďcompromiseĒ?
21 Feb: i find the throwing of a tactical tantrum both strategically effective & deeply satisfying...
20 Feb: some people hear little voices inside their heads. i hear them inside my elbow. just how worried should i be? http://
19 Feb: i shall not be coming into the office for the rest of the week because i have decided to become a ravishing, decadent billionairess...
18 Feb: New story live
18 Feb: Lost contact with mothership
16 Feb: i donít have a solution but i have respect, no, in fact, admiration... i have great admiration for the problem...
15 Feb: sanity is relative. e.g. relative to you i might not be completely sane, but relative to my family...
14 Feb: every now and then i find myself on the remoter shore of sanity. but itís ok, they know me there...
14 Feb: every now and then i find myself on the remoter shore of sanity. but itís ok, they know me there...
14 Feb: Love story
13 Feb: He doesn't learn from the mistakes of others. He is the others.
12 Feb: Keep CLAM in CHOWDER
11 Feb: round is a shape. i am round. therefore i am in shape.
10 Feb: the important thing in life is not whether you win or lose. itís whether i win or lose
9 Feb: i consider myself to be the predecessor to coolness...
8 Feb: alcohol is not the answer, it merely makes you forget the question...
7 Feb: My screaming hairy armadillo...
6 Feb: smell the roses except of course if youíre allergic to roses, in which case itís a bloody stupid idea
5 Feb: http://vimrod.com/daily-cartoons/vm8601/
4 Feb: if idiots could fly, this office would be an airport
3 Feb: i can best describe him with two simple words: [1] irri [2] tating
2 Feb: Iím bored. i think i might go out and do some titillating. whatever that might mean...
1 Feb: Vain is fine. Pass it on.
31 Jan: Coffee: Before & after
30 Jan: I DONíT SUFFER FROM LUNACY I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
29 Jan: In this office there are plenty of vacancies. Regrettably theyíre all filled.
28 Jan: i don't like monday mornings, or people who like monday mornings or mondays, or mornings, or people.
27 Jan: How cosmopolitan are you? Test yourself
26 Jan: the little voices in my head? i used to listen to them until a couple of them got arrested...
26 Jan: the little voices in my head? i used to listen to them until a couple of them got arrested...
25 Jan: Ha, you might have laughed at me in the past, but this time iíve really cracked it: POWDERED WATER
24 Jan: Somebody's boring & I think it might be me...
23 Jan: Iíve developed caffeine-free caffeine. itís awesome.
22 Jan: But he was extremely annoying Your Honour.
20 Jan: Yes, I like to believe I ooze personality
18 Jan: Morning person. Not.
17 Jan: All we need is love. PASS IT ON.
17 Jan: Never share important advice. PASS IT ON.
16 Jan: hey, shall we pretend that thereís a force-field around my desk and that if you come anywhere near it you will die... http://
15 Jan: iím not narcissistic or anything, but i think iím amazing.
14 Jan: Yep, some days I just feel a bit like this...
13 Jan: Chocolate is the answer. Pass it on.
12 Jan: actually one doesnít need to be happy all the time, just in case you were wondering. itís fine to feel crappy every now and then...
11 Jan: MWAH. Pass it on.
10 Jan: Vimrod: Life explained
9 Jan: VD mugs
9 Jan: EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JUST FINE. Pass it on.
8 Jan: fartify.me
8 Jan: Little voices inside my head...
7 Jan: Why edit yourself?
4 Jan: Just because I'm blaming you, doesn't necessarily mean it's your fault...
3 Jan: MY RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR
3 Jan: Everyone brings joy to this place. Some when they enter, some when they leave.
2 Jan: On some days it's best to just stare into the middle distance & get someone to draw a question-mark above you
31 Dec: Maybe partying will help?
27 Dec: Ms. McDreamy
26 Dec: I may have memory issues, but at east I don't have memory issues...
24 Dec: I'm kind of a big deal...
22 Dec: Would our miserŚble lives hŚve more meŚning if we put the little round thingies Śbove the letter Ś?
21 Dec: I make stuff up
20 Dec: Failure is always an option...
19 Dec: How to milk a hedgehog
18 Dec: How to toast a lettuce...
17 Dec: aaah, monday...i would be complacent, if i could be bothered...
15 Dec: iím so glad that iím an adult and can just buy ice-cream when i feel like it...
14 Dec: Vimrod FACEBOOK PAGE
14 Dec: Mathematical identity that proves "weird" = "normal"
13 Dec: Which way does the toast land?
12 Dec: You know you're having a bad day when you spend 10 minutes searching for something you're already wearing
11 Dec: Taking this little pill helps me remember which little pills i need to be taking...
10 Dec: How to turn toast into bread
7 Dec: Your aura of awesomeness, is it sometimes a burden or are you completely used to it now?
6 Dec: Vimrod - NEW STORY: THE JOY OF WINE
6 Dec: My problem with paying tax is threefold: [1] pay [2] ing [3] tax
5 Dec: Help to get you through the day...
4 Dec: Friendship mugs
4 Dec: Working hard probably canít kill you, but seriously, why take the risk?
3 Dec: My new invention
30 Nov: Today is the first day of the rest of your life...
29 Nov: You, my friend, are awesome by association
28 Nov: Today is going to be amazing. It said so on my horror-scope.
26 Nov: We've revamped our quote page!<
26 Nov: Some people find life complicated. I find it simplicated. Which is why I am always so happy
24 Nov: deep kisses, strange adventures, midnight swims and rambling conversations...
22 Nov: Happy Thanksgiving from Vimrod
21 Nov: Beauty is in the behind of the older.. http://
20 Nov: When you press this button, the inner (uncorrugated) portal releases a smell
19 Nov: just because fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. what you should do is...
17 Nov: Submit a quote
17 Nov: Caffeine-free coffee is like chocolate-free chocolate...
16 Nov: Some day's I'd like to just pack it all in and become a grumpy old fart...
16 Nov: Nothing wrong at all with liking oneself a lot, I find...
15 Nov: 5 core competencies for working in this fine office: [1] restraint of mind [2] restraint of body [3] containment of spirit [4] neatness of desk [5] discipline of body hair [6] mathematical skills
14 Nov: i have decided to spend next month doing a french immersion course, which essentially will involve immersing myself in fine bordeaux for the full period...and possibly immersing myself in the arms of a nice jean-pierre or jean-marie or pierre-yves as well...
13 Nov: today, which shall i be? [1] annoyingly charming [2] charmingly annoying [3] alarmingly annoying
9 Nov: dunno, every time i look in a mirror i just feel so inspired. is it just me or....
9 Nov: i canít come into the office next week because i will be on a self-loathing course. iíll be in the week after that though...
8 Nov: Be my rock, I'll be your roll... http://
7 Nov: My annoyingness
6 Nov: Not-so-normal horoscopes
6 Nov: I love cooking with wine. and occasionally I also add it to the food...
4 Nov: Best definition of LIFE ever
4 Nov: Actually, iím quite proud of my total lack of self awareness...
3 Nov: It is time to get drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of Time, get drunk; get drunk without stopping! On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you wish.
2 Nov: Smartphone app that actually makes toast!!
30 Oct: Iím hoping that i can be known as a great thinker some day, rather than just a sex symbol...
29 Oct: chocolate is not the answer, itís the question. and the answer is yes.
26 Oct: Why would I possibly let alcohol get in the way of my opinions?
25 Oct: What to do if your car needs to be washed...
24 Oct: yes, i would classify my devastating intelligence as paranormal insofar as it is outside the range of normal experience or scientific explanation...
24 Oct: A DAVE NEW WORLD
22 Oct: Are there any dilemmas you have, that i can rule over? With other people's decisions I can summon...
20 Oct: The lights are on but no-one's home...
19 Oct: I can't quite decide whether to become a visionary or an idiot savant...
18 Oct: on a day-to-day basis, how overwhelmed are you on a scale of 1 to 432, where 1 = totally out of control but successfully hiding it, and 432 = totally out of control but dismally failing to hide it?
17 Oct: in life, broadly speaking, how confused are you on a logarithmic scale of 1 to 137, where 137 = the multicollinearised inverse of the standardised linear confusion parameter, and 1 = the average of the median scoreís reparameterised confusion quotientís subset?
16 Oct: When I'm older I'd like to be immature. More immature than I am right now if it's technically possible...
15 Oct: For the record, the little friends inside my head are perfectly sane...
12 Oct: do something now that will make the person you'll be tomorrow proud to have been the person you are today.
11 Oct: Actually, I quite like my grandiose sense of self-worth...
10 Oct: How much poop would a nincom poop if a nincom could poop poop?
9 Oct: How NORMAL are you?
8 Oct: The 4 keys to success: 1: Work 2: Think 3: Believe 4: Don't lose your keys
5 Oct: The key point is to make the key point the key point.
4 Oct: Always be yourself because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind...
3 Oct: Be passionate, be amazed, be inspired...but don't talk too much.
2 Oct: Self-awareness is what makes me so awesome...
1 Oct: My existence seems to have neither rhyme, nor reason, nor purpose, yet I'm very content. Am I doing something wrong?
28 Sep: If you attach your phone to your wily you can fiddle with both simultaneously...
27 Sep: It's curious the clarity that comes with being a total psycho...
26 Sep: Rule for life, the path etc...
25 Sep: AMAZINGNESS: just today, just for one day, be amazing...
24 Sep: Live life complicatedly. Seriously, it's a lot more fun...
21 Sep: I tried to group-hug myself, which is why my neck hurts...
20 Sep: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. (i.e. to bed)
19 Sep: According to Winston Churchill's definition, am I courageous?
18 Sep: i am not going to be doing any work for the rest of this week because i will be spending some quality time evolving...
17 Sep: it is what it is, and itís all good, wherever you go, you are there, live in the moment, live for the moment,...
14 Sep: Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about dancing in the rain, sort of...
13 Sep: voila, the squatermelon. i have developed the square watermleon. stacks easily, fits nicely into the fridge. kíching...
12 Sep: Believe, Live, Love, Wipe Surfaces
11 Sep: I don't have any bendiness issues so why the hell should I do yoga?
10 Sep: working in this office is like toiling in a narrow, muddy trench, or a long malodorous tunnel where thieves & vagabonds roam free, and good people die like dogs. there's also a negative side.
8 Sep: SOLITUDE: i find that if i stare forward, unblinking, with my mouth slightly open...
7 Sep: You're losing it, forget the medication. (so that makes 2 of us, if it's any consolation)
6 Sep: Vimrod - ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN
6 Sep: Observation on the Great Snivelling Morass of Humanity
5 Sep: Imagine if when you milked cows, wine came out?
4 Sep: I'm bored. I think I might go find someone to annoy.
3 Sep: I consider myself fairly boutique, in fact, trŤs boutique
31 Aug: New website: http://mylittleanimals.com/
30 Aug: If you know anyone who is a consummate professional, then this cartoon is for them
30 Aug: I'm yours
29 Aug: My farts have penetrated cyberspace twice this year already...
28 Aug: Give me more chocolate or leave me alone...
27 Aug: This glass of wine is empty. I'd like a refund.
25 Aug: You are quarvellous
24 Aug: You have the right to remain silent yet you never stop talking...
23 Aug: Born to annoy, forced to be sweet...
22 Aug: Sorry for spilling wine on your dress. Can I lick it off?
21 Aug: If there was a Nobel Prize for pessimism, not a chance I'd win it...
20 Aug: Live, Love, Hope, Believe...........go shopping
17 Aug: This cake is missing some bits. I'd like a refund...
15 Aug: Curious that my IQ surplus seems to roughly equal your IQ deficit no?
14 Aug: Delusion is, quite frankly, the most comfortable frame of mind in which to spend the day
13 Aug: if there was a nobel prize for exaggerating, iíd have won it 37 times by now...
7 Jul: Vimrod daily on hold until 13 Aug - happy summer!
6 Jul: Women have instincts. Men have instinks.
5 Jul: If in doubt, talk about food...
4 Jul: I take all these weird pills so as to remain weird...
3 Jul: Cake? What cake?
2 Jul: I have decided to lose my marbles but I can't bloody-well find them anywhere...
28 Jun: Everything in life should be done in moderation, e.g. when you buy a large cake...
28 Jun: Dunno, I can't help but kind of feels that works kind of disrupts my lifestyle
27 Jun: It actually so IS about me...
26 Jun: Shop. Creditcard. Good.
22 Jun: Life's a myshtery and should not be taken too sheriosly. Cheersh!
21 Jun: Born to be weird, forced to be normal
20 Jun: http://vimrod.com/daily-cartoons/vm8027/
19 Jun: WORK vs. CHOCOLATE
17 Jun: I shall not be coming in to the office this week since conditions for sleeping late are perfect at this time of year...
15 Jun: The future is bright. Which is why I need new sunglasses. (and new shoes)...
14 Jun: The only way to toast, a friendship so divine, is to soak our lovely lives, in fine expensive wine...
13 Jun: Alluring mind, beautiful body, soaring spirit. Oui, c'est moi...
12 Jun: Pretty much the only thing that makes sense around here is the fact that nothing seems to make sense around here...
11 Jun: It's all about me...
11 Jun: I can't come into the office today because my tapeworm and lice are not getting on
8 Jun: Proof that smiling is good for the environment
8 Jun: Reason has flown, madness has grown, insanity is no sin. Finally I fit in.
7 Jun: Nothing quite as beautiful as a bottle of red wine with you to accompany it?
6 Jun: THE LAW OF DAD WEIRDNESS: By definition, he who becomes a dad goes slightly mad, but with medication he can be fine, the weirdness becomes benign..
5 Jun: Life is not short. It's long and AMAZING.
4 Jun: I'd like to apologise for farting so much over the last decade
1 Jun: I am the chosen one. And who, you might ask, did the choosing? Me. I did it myself.
31 May: Fortunately there's neither moral nor legal obligation to be normal
30 May: Love, freedom & chocolate. The three pillars of civilisation
28 May: I'm sorry, did you mistake me for a people person?
25 May: Keep CALM & CARRY ON taking life as seriously as you always do
24 May: I am not merely having an existential crisis. I am having an existential crisis within an existential crisis
23 May: If ever you feel worried about the state of the economy, the responsible thing to do is go shopping until... http://bit.ly/KKbaTD
22 May: VM daily cartoon: Should life become a pain, marinade it in champagne http://bit.ly/KOKOw0
17 May: The question we really need to all ask ourselves is...
16 May: If financial markets are allowed a "oh shit!" moment, why aren't I?
15 May: Digital nostril for i-pad. Almost impossible to believe
14 May: Office excuse
10 May: I love my chocolate problem
9 May: Vimrod Daily Cartoon: Born to shop, forced to work
8 May: Am I happy?
7 May: Mouse mice, house hice, nouse nice
4 May: I don't exaggerate -
3 May: Vimrod - Toast and Milk in the morning...
2 May: The great thing out being so epic
1 May: I annoy, therefore I am
30 Apr: Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, chocolate is brown
27 Apr: Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire
26 Apr: Go on, smile!
25 Apr: So what if I am losing it, and kind of going mad...
24 Apr: Life is weird. You somehow manage to make it weirder.
23 Apr: Today I am feeling %&^&%#@$&^ so best maybe to stay out of my way...
20 Apr: The cup runneth over. Therefore I licketh the wine off the table...
20 Apr: If an entire room was filled with a billion jellybeans, and one of them was you, I'd find you an eat you...
20 Apr: If an entire room was filled with a billion jellybeans, and one of them was you, I'd find you an eat you...
18 Apr: When I'm older I'd like to be a silly little man...
18 Apr: I can't come into the office today because I have an inflammation of the opinion
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
17 Apr: All shall be fine (provided there's enough wine)
16 Apr: is there a ceiling to irresponsibility, or can one just go on forever?
16 Apr: NEW STORY: MONDAY MORNING COFFEE
13 Apr: In a normal day one should expend at least 100MB of brain cells. i go for the 100KB.
12 Apr: You're even hotter than your facebook picture and your facebook picture makes me purr like a tiger....
11 Apr: I'm a pacifist insofar as I believe all politicians should be obliged to permanently suck on pacifiers during business hours...
10 Apr: Everything in life should be done in moderation, e.g. when you bath in wine, itís not necessary to fill the tub right to the top...
9 Apr: Decadence is not merely a state of mind, it's a way of life & therefore should be protected by the government & enshrined in the constitution...
8 Apr: when all is said and done, i still have quite a lot to say...
6 Apr: There 2 kinds of people: [1] those who realise you are amazing [2] those who are going to realise you are amazing
4 Apr: If in doubt, pass wind
4 Apr: normal, but erring on the side of weird...
4 Apr: normal, but erring on the side of weird...
3 Apr: why would i possibly let incoherence get in the way of my opinions?
1 Apr: if ever you feel guilty about not being more productive, go have a nice long bath until the feeling disappears...
30 Mar: New online story: I AM WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE
29 Mar: if life gives you lemons, slice 'em & whack 'em into a G&T
28 Mar: if you were jam, i'd have you on my toast every morning...
28 Mar: I cannot hear you over the sound of how amazing I am...
27 Mar: i'm not lazy, it's just that the warm glow that surrounds you is so comforting and calming that it puts me to sleep...
26 Mar: I can't quite figure out whether you are weirder than the music you listen to, or vice-versa?
8 Jan: Vimrod will be taking an extended break until APRIL.
6 Jan: halfway between sanity and insanity is an office. thatís where i work.
5 Jan: The options are very simple really: Either you give me more wine or you leave me alone
4 Jan: i live life with complete honesty. and to be completely honest, one can never have enough shoes.
3 Jan: Either you like me, or you're wrong...
2 Jan: Why don't warthogs just share the bloody warts?
31 Dec: Have a superbly weird 2012
30 Dec: It takes extraordinary focus and discipline to stay neurotic
29 Dec: you could do in 15 minutes what it takes jack bauer 24 hours to achieve
28 Dec: You've turned me into a bloody insomniac...
27 Dec: Anything unrelated to me is largely irrelevant
26 Dec: Double negatives are not unlike halved quadruple negatives
23 Dec: Happy thirsty tipsy hazy woopsy daisy Xmas
21 Dec: i'm worried about my neuroses. they seem to be less intense these days. should i see a doctor?
20 Dec: Choice btw office Xmas party, or helping weird uncle lubricate underbelly of his ageing pet rhinoceros, which..
19 Dec: i shanít be coming in to the office today because my reality distortion field has been fading so i am going to my doctor to have it rebooted...
16 Dec: Eating disorder? I start at the top left corner & finish at the bottom right corner. Totally orderly
16 Dec: i love my whole clinical-nervous-mental-burnout-collapse thing
15 Dec: Throbbingly amazing? Why yes, I think those two words indeed do best describe me...
14 Dec: I have a friend called Choco and he is always late...
13 Dec: I admit my level of weirdness is above the national average, but i'm comfortable with it....
12 Dec: The answer is ďendless weekendĒ, irrespective of the question...
10 Dec: i have started a website called facebum. basically, if you have a face or a bum or both you can join the site and then meet people and get friends and all that...
9 Dec: there are two ways of dealing with housework: [1] strategic incompetence. [2] selective deafness.
8 Dec: Health & wellness, or wealth & hellness? You decide.
7 Dec: have a GREAT day! may the cloud of joy approach the farm of your life, and rain its gentle raindrops onto the fields of your destiny. that kind of stuff...
6 Dec: KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON EXAGGERATING AS PER NORMAL
5 Dec: I will not be coming in to the office again until you sort out that bloody printer...
4 Dec: i can't quite work out whether you are vintage vogue or retro quirky... ...or vintage quirky or retro vogue or quirko retry, but i can say is i love you just the way you are...
3 Dec: are you a figment of my imagination or do real people like you actually exist?
2 Dec: Why do normal?
1 Dec: True Love: A definition
30 Nov: We have nothing to fear but fear itslef. And typos. I am also scared of typos...
28 Nov: Two words that best describe our family: [1] Possible [2] Inbreeding
28 Nov: Caffeine-free coffee is like chocolate-free chocolate
26 Nov: NEW STORY: THE SALESMAN
25 Nov: Yes, self-delusion IS actually quite a pleasant place to be
24 Nov: [poem] A gentle cloud of epicness, across the sea did blow. Which is why I'm feeling epic, in case you didn't know.
23 Nov: KEEP CALM AND error 404
22 Nov: The sandwich sandwich...
21 Nov: I have a great new invention: The Bread Sandwich. It comprises a single piece of bread between 2 pieces of buttered bread...
19 Nov: THE LOST FART
18 Nov: i love you for your omnificence (i.e. omnipresent magnificence)
17 Nov: I am as indecisive as the economy. I can't quite decide whether to slow down or melt down...
16 Nov: walphabet.com ABC song
16 Nov: suffering from chocolate addiction is a contradiction in terms no?
15 Nov: Best excuse for being late: I am late because it is the way of my people
13 Nov: Keep calm and OMG ARE THOSE ALIENS!!
11 Nov: Dictionary of Names
11 Nov: Every time I think of you I start to glow...
10 Nov: Keep clams and carry on making chowder...
9 Nov: there is no daily cartoon today because i am busy delivering toasters....
8 Nov: The Vimrod-MK2 Calibrated 5-slot Toaster with accompanying Duct-tape
7 Nov: My new invention...
7 Nov: New story: THIS OFFICE IS WEIRD
3 Nov: keep calm and carry on being epic...
3 Nov: http://bit.ly/rORS58 i am unable to come into work for the rest of this week because you are weird, everyone in the office is weird...
2 Nov: How epic are you on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is very epic and 10 is uber-epic?
31 Oct: I have lost my mojo. How did I lose it?
30 Oct: i have a photographic memory. the problem is itís non-digital and no places develop that 35mm film anymore so everything is kind of going pear-shaped...
28 Oct: New online story: LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
28 Oct: New online story: LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
28 Oct: every day iím expected to say something insightful or funny or clever, but often i just want to say hippopotamus. hippopotamus
27 Oct: if you feel your life is falling apart, take my advice, duct tape is less expensive than therapy...
26 Oct: i donít suffer from scatterbrained-ishness, i enjoy every second of it...
25 Oct: Occupy Wall St.
24 Oct: this is neither a democracy nor an autocracy, but an idiocracy...
20 Oct: I am writing to find out why your staff were so rude...
19 Oct: how confident of modern technology are you on a scale of...woops, scale seems to be broken. sorry.
19 Oct: NEW STORY: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT...
18 Oct: how motivated are you on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 = not motivated at all and 10 = not motivated at all?
18 Oct: http://bit.ly/nfCp4l I am having a nervous breakdown...because it is the way of my people...
14 Oct: the answer to the universe is give me a sec, iím just checking email.
14 Oct: the answer to the universe is give me a sec, iím just checking email.
13 Oct: The suggestion that I have lost my sense of humour presupposes that I had one in the first place...
12 Oct: Why am I so weird? Because it is the way of my people...
11 Oct: Live healthy...live happy...love life...
10 Oct: When I was young I fell into a category, which is why I walk so funny....
7 Oct: unrelenting sillliness is the only way forward...and yes, thatís sillliness with three lís...
6 Oct: Never give up...except if you couldn't be bothered...
5 Oct: NEW STORY: DON'T MESS WITH MY DAD
5 Oct: Live healthy...live happy...love life...wot?
4 Oct: The best way to to stand out from the crowd is to find someone with a flat head.
3 Oct: 3 simple rules for healthier living: [1] eat well [2] sleep well [3] skive well
30 Sep: tgif
29 Sep: I came, I saw, I procrastinated...
28 Sep: i eat so much chocolate because it is the way of my people...
27 Sep: beneath a blooming sausage tree, i pledge my love the thee. youíre lovely, i know it, and yes, i am a poet...
26 Sep: i find him oxymoronic but without the oxy bit...
23 Sep: KEEP CALM and CARRY ON FRIDAYING (i.e. mucking about, faffing, skiving, dallying, dawdling, fiddling about, goofing off, procrastinating lollygagging, & shilly-shallying)
22 Sep: Be happy...be healthy...love life...
21 Sep: life is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, on a hamster wheel, balanced on a rollercoaster..
20 Sep: common human utterances: argh, aaaaaaaargh, help, yee-ha, woo-hoo, what? etc http://bit.ly/o6DYMP
19 Sep: YOGA OR PILATES
19 Sep: i canít come into the office today because my meerkat is having his wisdom teeth taken out.
16 Sep: I have decided to lend myself some money so I can go out and celebrate my general amazingness...
15 Sep: If god isn't into athletics then how come he puts up hurdles everywhere?
14 Sep: the form? well, i was filling it in, but then i spilt some wine on it so...
13 Sep: keep calm and carry on listening to those lovely little voices in your head...
9 Sep: if you asked me to characterise life in three words iíd describe it as amazing, awesome, exciting, smelly, fantastical, oracular, spectacular itchy, sticky, terrible, wonderful, harsh, sublime, rhinocerosish, malleable, ductile, amazonian, incredible, astonishing, ticklish, noisy funny and very very lovely.
8 Sep: The great thing about having absolutely no savings is having to not stress about the current financial markets melt-down...
7 Sep: 5 things i love about you
6 Sep: It's not the journey, but the shops at the destination...
6 Sep: It's not the journey, but the shops at the destination...
5 Sep: OPTIMAL TOAST STRATEGY
31 Aug: where is the VIP lounge? ...you know, the holding-pen for volatile idiotic people...
31 Aug: i canít come into the office today because my millipede is having a hip replacement operation. several, in fact.
30 Aug: The wheels on the bus...
29 Aug: Denial is where it isn't at...
25 Aug: I am finding it hard to concentrate on the um
24 Aug: across the planet, where day meets night, is a circle of millions of people brushing their teeth pretty-much simultaneously. as the circle moves, a new ring of toothbrushers forms. it is this simultaneous tooth-brushing that causes the earth to rotate aro
23 Aug: i remember my grandadís ant farm as if it was yesterday. weíd wake up, long before sunrise, go down to the paddocks, milk the ants, and then swim in the dam, all before breakfast. those were the days...
22 Aug: confusion is not a state of mind. itís a state of suitcase near the lower window with cheese, mathematics and some some of the longer rolls of galvanized plastic sheeting from colin.
22 Aug: ONLINE BOOK OF OFFICE EXCUSES
19 Aug: you are a mere bogey in the nostril of time, so stop taking life so seriously...
18 Aug: so i just want to confirm how it works: i buy only organic food and thus i will be much healthier and therefore will live longer but i wonít be able to afford being old because i will have spent all my money on organic food...
17 Aug: just because i am absurdly good-looking, doesn't necessarily mean i'm narcissistic...
16 Aug: New online story: HANG ON A SEC, I JUST NEED TO CHECK EMAIL
16 Aug: At times it's so exhausting being a bloke that I have no choice but to relax in front of the tv and watch football with a beer in my hand...
15 Aug: You know those days when youíre standing in front of the sink brushing your teeth before work when...
12 Aug: in these times of turbulence, i strongly endorse the feel-good approach to life: i.e. if you happen to be passing a cake shop, plunge your entire face into a cake. you will find that it feels good...
9 Aug: I shall celebrate your masculinity by letting you wash up...
8 Aug: Why would I possibly let ignorance get in the way of my opinions?
7 Aug: Vimrod - new online story - FINANCIAL MARKET TURMOIL EXPLAINED
5 Aug: cool people fart
4 Aug: I shall celebrate your loveliness and amazingness by letting you cook me a meal...
3 Aug: life's a roller-coaster, from the sublime to the rhinocerous
2 Aug: HOW TO STAY AHEAD OF THE CURVE
2 Aug: I find being confused mildly relaxing, a zen sort of experience...
31 Jul: i am confused, therefore i am...
29 Jul: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8181983@N05/5985871091/in/photostream
27 Jul: live my life strategically or tactically? or maybe just plod along and let fate take it's gentle course....
26 Jul: Do you vote Republocrat or Demlican?
26 Jul: Toaster, well-presented with g.s.o.h. seeks nubile fresh loaf for heated short-term relationship...
25 Jul: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8181983@N05/5972238647/in/photostream
21 Jul: volde who?
21 Jul: Yes, the happy virus, I've caught it...
20 Jul: In event of existential crisis, stick finger into toaster...
19 Jul: my mom always said my opinions were worth their weight in gold. and given that my opinions weigh exactly one ounce, 18 Jul: Life's choices..
,600 (£1,000) now gets deposited into my bank account every time i think of something, which is great...
18 Jul: Life's choices..
14 Jul: You haven't experienced my exceptional opinions, have you?
13 Jul: walphabet.com
12 Jul: I have invented plastic flowers, that, if you don't water, actually die...
11 Jul: Moral dilemma no 45
8 Jul: I have so much work to do that at some point I might actually have to do some work...
7 Jul: For those who love flying...
6 Jul: DO YOU LIKE CAKE?
6 Jul: Do ants have weekends?
5 Jul: I don't know if you know this, but it actually IS possible to stop talking...
4 Jul: If in doubt, close your eyes and have a little snooze...
1 Jul: gin and tonic are two of my favourite drinks...
30 Jun: I AM normal. My iguana told me using sign language...
29 Jun: More to life than a good cup of coffee? Nope.
27 Jun: Once upon a time there was a story. It had a beginning and an end, but no middle. The end.
27 Jun: New online story: HOW TO STARGAZE
27 Jun: New online story: HOW TO STARGAZE
27 Jun: the wonderful thing about life is the possibilities. for example, could i possibly have a second helping?
24 Jun: My father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father was awful, apparently.
23 Jun: right now, as you read this, your computer is watching you, and yes, it is judging you
22 Jun: if perchance you feel youíre losing the plot, just remember, life is a mere cocktail of conditional probabilities, heteroskedastic emulsifyers and multi-collinear nested if-statements...
21 Jun: my tuesday advice, for which you pay good money: tuesdays are weird, random, lost, silent, driftless, listless, flukey, flunky and sometimes psycho days. you may act accordingly...
20 Jun: my monday advice, for which you pay good money: wake up, and smell the coffee, then smell the roses, then smell a rat, then go back to bed...
17 Jun: OMGremind.me - our new app
17 Jun: he's a hairy person. basically mammothsculated.
16 Jun: my hobbies...
15 Jun: The night, 'twas crepuscular...
12 Jun: Why is there a blank DVD in my mouth? Because I am backing up my brain...
10 Jun: It's the little voices that tell me to check email so often...
9 Jun: I don't work in an organisation, I work in a disorganisation...
8 Jun: I've emailed god a hundred times and he never responds. I find it really unprofessional...
6 Jun: NEW DAILY CARTOON - MAHONEY JOE
6 Jun: the world might be imploding but at least my rash has cleared up...
3 Jun: My grandfather the inventor...
3 Jun: My grandfather the inventor...
2 Jun: 3 facts about life: [1] it's short [2] it's sweet [3] it's full of lists
1 Jun: Life is fascinating...yawn...if you're that way inclined...
31 May: Father's Day 19 June
31 May: medical bills are so high these days that instead of going to the doctor i have started going to the vet...
29 May: Monday's funday...
27 May: Yes to optimism...
26 May: Keep calm and carry on eating...
25 May: no news is good news which is why i microwaved my tv...
24 May: two wrongs don't make a right but they can make a lot of fun...
23 May: I am not a hypochondriaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhh
20 May: life is weird. any other questions?
19 May: in life you have to be optimistic otherwise the hideous cockroach of awfulness will swallow you without even pausing for breath...
18 May: life's a bitch..until you realise that it's you who is the bitch and life itself is actually quite normal...
17 May: Pixie dust instead of bonuses
16 May: life is short. fiddle with your electronic gadgets while you can...
10 May: lovely people dance weirdly...
10 May: i trust you donít believe in reverse psychology.
9 May: I have started a website called facebum. Basically, if you have a face or a bum or both you can join the site and then meet people and get friends and all that...
6 May: Never let a little bit of work get in the way of a good coffee break...
05 May: my dietician drowned in a vat of chocolate. that's not a good sign, is it?
4 May: laught, laughter, laughtest
29 Apr: Define your mom in 100 words or less
29 Apr: things on my list to do today: [1] erm... [2] [3] [4]
28 Apr: Keep calm and carry on gently ambling from one crisis to the next
27 Apr: I am so high-powered that I can actually swim backstroke and butterfly at the same time...
26 Apr: I am SICK and TIRED of ordering toast from you online as it always arrives stale, so what is GOING ON with your website???
25 Apr: JUST WALKING THE DOG
25 Apr: You are so lovely that it amazes me and so amazing that it lovelies me, if you know what I mean...
22 Apr: life's a comedy. hahahahha heeheeheehoho etc...
21 Apr: sometimes i find i am so breathtakingly socially inept that i need to carry an oxygen cylinder with me...
20 Apr: Dictionary of Names
20 Apr: My life - falling apart?
19 Apr: Quite frankly, I think you're amazing and don't even try come up with excuses...
18 Apr: I'm fine first thing in the morning, all i need is a coffee, a bath, a quick massage, breakfast, paper, a short lie-in and then i'm fine, really...
15 Apr: when everything is said and done, i bet you someone will still have something to say....
14 Apr: OW TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO SNORES
14 Apr: You move through life like a cheetah on the savanna...
13 Apr: i am quarter petulant, quarter truculent, quarter trucupet and quarter lantulent. any other questions?
12 Apr: I my spare time I tend to nurse beers. I like nursing.
10 Apr: Yes, I consider myself to be a good boss..
8 Apr: THE JOY OF ...
08 Apr: My lovelyometer...
7 Apr: Are you authorized to tick the box below?
6 Apr: Vintage vogue or retro quirky?
5 Apr: Horrific Yoga Incident
5 Apr: The small turd of eternal happiness says skweek skweek, which in turd language means have a wonderful & lovely day...
5 Apr: The small turd of eternal happiness says skweek skweek, which in turd language means have a wonderful & lovely day...
4 Apr: All you need is love... (and coffee)
2 Apr: New online story: MY MOTHER IS A DUDE
1 Apr: My life as a writer...
30 Mar: Do you find the making of lists: [1] irritating [2] frustrating [3] annoying [4] boring [5] irrelevant?
30 Mar: Are humans classified as organisms or disorganisms?
29 Mar: That tree is so beautiful...
28 Mar: Something to do when you're bored at your desk...
25 Mar: My great great great grandfather...
24 Mar: I even irritate myself sometimes, if you can believe it...
23 Mar: How to eat a giant soft-serve ice-cream in 5 simple steps
22 Mar: Ripe, well-balanced with an excellent balance of flavors...
21 Mar: I don't do mornings...
17 Mar: Did you swallow an amplifier?
16 Mar: The answer to the universe is the snestle (half snuggle, half wrestle)...
14 Mar: Is it my imagination or am I constantly tidying up?
14 Mar: I sailed across the ocean, in a floating leather shoe, it leaked and smelled of dirty socks, it made me think of you...
10 Mar: Purveyors of fine time-machines since 2014...
10 Mar: Embrace the awesomeness..
9 Mar: Never be afraid to speak your mind because a lot of people around here do actually speak gibberish...
8 Mar: Sorry, I don't mean to be negative or anything, but I just don't see your curry-flavoured toilet-paper taking off...
07 Mar: Globalization + the internet means i'm able to communicate with other like-minded imbeciles across the world...
4 Mar: Chaos is my middle name and I can't remember what my surname is...
03 Mar: My dentist doesn't believe in the tooth fairy. Ignorance really gets to me, really gets to me...
02 Mar: This is amazing. Forward this message on...
01 Mar: I can speak goat, and in my view, baaaahhh, maaaaa...meeeeyyyyaaaa...
28 Feb: Life's 5 fundamental questions...
23 Feb: Life is just a waddle from one puddle to the next...
22 Feb: Modesty is over-rated, especially when you're the best...
21 Feb: His idiot valve seems to be open...
18 Feb: There's something I really like about you, but I'm not sure what. I'm sure if I stare at you long enough I'll work out what it might be...
16 Feb: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8181983@N05/5452621158/
16 Feb: you are crazy the way you lead your life, and on that basis i salute you...
15 Feb: Bask in the glow of my glorious inner light, or go to work?
14 Feb: Kwik Valentine message
11 Feb: The answer to the universe is yes, please, another slice of the same, but possibly larger and with more icing on it...
9 Feb: One day I'll be rich and famous so for the moment I'll just have to settle for being poor and incredibly sexy...
9 Feb: The marmite holster...
06 Feb: Let's make it happen, irrespective of what it actually is...
05 Feb: aaaah life, what a great place to hang out...
3 Feb: You never cease to not amaze me...
3 Feb: mom, why does dad shout at the tv like that?
02 Feb: i canít come into the office today because my hiybbprqag is itchy. sorry.
01 Feb: May the bunny of happiness poo pellets of chocolate on your doorstep this fine day...
31 Jan: I can't do any work today because I am so painfully talented that it actually hurts...
30 Jan: I have calculated that if I were to back my brain up, it would all fit onto one cd. I'm not sure whether to be delighted or depressed?
28 Jan: I am older than my teeth but the same age as my epiglottis. Fascinating, isn't it.
27 Jan: OUR NEW FACE-PULLING MACHINE IS NOW LIVE: WWW.SMYFACE.COM
27 Jan: I'd really like to get the ball rolling. I've got the ball, anyone got a slope?
25 Jan: Try, try and try again, then rest, and then try and try. Then rest. Then try. Then give up.
24 Jan: Life makes me hungry
24 Jan: Dad, how come mom is never wrong?
21 Jan: I don't think I am set in my ways, and actually, don't worry about the tea, I'll make it myself...
21 Jan: People who dance weirdly make better lovers...
19 Jan: We are now officially in the age of silly...
19 Jan: I only drink organic water...
18 Jan: Life is a distraction from quality sleeping time...
17 Jan: you know what i like to do? i like to lax, and then relax. several times per day in fact...
14 Jan: NEW BOOK: ME WITHOUT YOU
14 Jan: I can't quite face the future which is why I've buried myself in a chocolate cake and am going to slowly lick my way out...
13 Jan: One smart fellow, he felt smart...
12 Jan: I'd like to be an optimist but I have not yet assessed the tax implications...
11 Jan: OM actual G!
10 Jan: I have bad news and good news...
07 Jan: By definition, men can't really get lost because they are always lost, if you know what I mean...
6 Jan: It's important, for one's self-esteem, to issue at least two woe betides per day...
5 Jan: The answer to the universe is meh
4 Jan: We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and zombies. And spiders.
3 Jan: Relativity explained vis-a-vis Brad Pitt...
23 Dec: Happy Holidays. May you basically go from strength to strengther to strengthest in 2011...
23 Dec: Life...I find it all very confusionaling...
22 Dec: In all offices there is the boss, then some managers, then a bevvvy of paltry grunts...
21 Dec: The great thing about progress is that there are still more pubs to be built...
20 Dec: I'm not asleep, I'm abloke...
16 Dec: Do you have authorization to make tea? And if yes, please make me a cup too...
14 Dec: You + me = awesome
14 Dec: You + me = awesome
13 Dec: Last night while I slept...
10 Dec: I am afraid that we cannot process your application unless we receive at least seven A4 certified photocopies of your arse...
9 Dec: New Mahoney Joe Story - OMG
08 Dec: Caffeine-free coffee is like alcohol-free wine...
07 Dec: I am not having a nervous breakdown, and if you step over that lie or even close to that line...
06 Dec: "Wobble". Now that's a good word, isn't it.
03 Dec: A New Online Story: ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI
03 Dec: I can't make it to the meeting because meetings make me want to vomit. Sorry about that...
02 Dec: Humans irritate me. Is there anything I can do about it as such?
01 Dec: A New Online Story: "FACEBOOK"
1 Dec: example: http://www.vimrod.com/images/vm_photocards.jp
30 Nov: I am limping because I have not eaten enough chocolate...
29 Nov: A New Online Story: Thinking of You
29 Nov: The thing I don't like about giraffes is the fact that they are always naked
25 Nov: Happy Thanksgiving
25 Nov: I am very happy with my position in life. I front of my computer basically....
24 Nov: NEW ANIMATION: TWEET TWEET TWEET
23 Nov: There is a rumour going round that you are a good kisser. I'd like verification....
22 Nov: A New Online Story: The Meaning of Life
22 Nov: I am not crap, I am zen...
19 Nov: A Story About Wine: How Rosť Came To Be
19 Nov: On a scale of 1 to 37 I rate you 37. Seriously, I think you're amazing.
18 Nov: You put the tit in attitude, and that's a fact that needs to be celebrated...
17 Nov: New Online Story: SO THIS IS IT?
17 Nov: I'm riding the bitch bus, so best advised to keep your distance...
16 Nov: New Online Story: THE KILLER APP
16 Nov: Moral dilemma
15 Nov: New Online Story: A DAY AT THE OFFICE
15 Nov: I dropped a pice of toast this morning and guess what happened?
12 Nov: New online story: ROAR!
12 Nov: ok, let's do the maths...actually, no, forget the numbers, let's just muddle you way through...
11 Nov: Your loveliness + my weirdness make us a truly inspired couple I reckon...
10 Nov: New online story: I AM NOT HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
10 Nov: I have decided to lend myself some money just so I can go out and celebrate my general amazingness...
09 Nov: New online story: I'M LATE!
09 Nov: My farts hospitalise small children...
08 Nov: If you saw a small chocolate about to cross a busy road...
05 Nov: New online story: THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
05 Nov: New online story: LOVE CONQUERS ALL
05 Nov: I can't quite work out whether you are brilliant or crap...
04 Nov: That expression on your face, do you have authorization for it?
03 Nov: New online story: MILK
03 Nov: Every day is a new day and has to be embraced with an open heart and an open mind, and an open fridge...
02 Nov: New story: THE STORY OF A DISTANT PLANET
02 Nov: keep calm and carry on being a bitch
01 Nov: New story: A SCRIBBLY KIND OF DAY
01 Nov: It's all about teamwork, i.e. the rest of the team can work whilst I relax...
29 Oct: New story: DECISIONS, DECISIONS...
29 Oct: I am as normal as a pancake stuck to the underbelly of an elephant...
28 Oct: Chaos is relative, i.e. relative to a bus full of 5 year olds returning from a day-trip to a chocolate factory, my life is not chaotic...
27 Oct: NEW STORY: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
27 Oct: My new website...
26 Oct: Life is just a gentle amble from one crisis to the next...
25 Oct: Caffeine-free coffee is like alcohol-free wine...
25 Oct: Once upon a Monday morning...
23 Oct: Is it my Imagination or is there Poo on Everything?
22 Oct: The thing is ... actually what is the thing?
21 Oct: Another online story, AM I HAPPY?
21 Oct: I am not having a nervous breakdown, I have just had enough of filling in all these bloody forms!!!!!!
20 Oct: It's fascinating watching men. kind of like being on safari really...
19 Oct: New online story: TRUE LOVE
19 Oct: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8181983@N05/5095074593/
18 Oct: Da only way to live life...
15 Oct: The answer to the universe is mifnisnik/oswohok, which unfortunately is untranslatable
14 Oct: Past and future are a conspiracy. Live for the present...
12 Oct: My problem with working is twofold: [1] work [2] ing
11 Oct: Friday, Saturday, Sunday and er...what comes after Sunday again?
08 Oct: I'm bored. I think I might sue someone...
07 Oct: My life thusfar: Got born, grew up, party, party, party...
06 Oct: Caffeine-free coffee is like chocolate-free chocolate...
04 Oct: Keep calm and carry on farting....
01 Oct: Why I am not coming in to work next week...
01 Oct: Lord of the pint, king of the curry...
01 Oct: Sparkling new smories.com website
30 Sep: My two favourite activities are: [1] Passing [2] Wind
29 Sep: You know what I think? No, well neither do I.
28 Sep: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8181983@N05/5032155396/
24 Sep: Is it my imagination, or is there poo on everything?
23 Sep: You should always live life the fullest, i.e. full pint of lager, full plate of curry, full bowl of ice-cream...
22 Sep: And on the 8th day god fiddled with his smartphone...
21 Sep: I'm afraid we cannot process your application unless we receive at least 3 utility bills from your great grandfather...
20 Sep: Hectic weekend? Nothing like a good office job so you can get some rest before Friday comes around again...
17 Sep: Keep calm and carry on talking about yourself...
16 Sep: Who are we? What is the world? Are we insured?
15 Sep: My new ox semen app is killer...
14 Sep: Oh, so you don't have your paranoia verification certificate on you, do you...
09 Sep: Solitude behoves me...
08 Sep: Keep calm and carry on trying to work out what the hell is going on...
08 Sep: Keep calm and carry on trying to work out what the hell is going on...
07 Sep: In order to process your application we need...
06 Sep: I took out opinion insurance...
03 Sep: Due to structural complacency, I am unable to answer your emails...
2 Sep: I was authorized, but then I swallowed my authorization certificate, so I guess I am no longer authorized, sir...
01 Sep: Please fill in the following forms:
29 Jul: Away until 01 Sept. Happy holidays!
29 Jul: The world might be imploding, but at least my rash has cleared up...
28 Jul: I like playing noughts and crosses...
26 Jul: Keep calm and carry on repeating yourself...
23 Jul: I am so high-powered I actually drive a 5 X 5
22 Jul: I am not interested in being a slacker. But the herd of sheep that roams the open tundra of my mind, they love doing nothing. Love it. Bloody sheep.
21 Jul: Necessity is the mother of all ineptitude...
20 Jul: Keep clam and carry on being hairy....
19 Jul: Apologies for licking you in the face...
16 Jul: my plan for the day? i canít decide whether to be gruntled or disgruntled...
15 Jul: The Mona Lisa app...
14 Jul: YOGA for WINE LOVERS - animation
13 Jul: I love my computer and the internet and websites and...
12 Jul: Keep calm and carry on ...
09 Jul: My ambition in life...
09 Jul: My life's ambition
08 Jul: Keep calm and carry on fiddling with your willy...
07 Jul: you know the way dogs lick your face when they are happy to see you, well i have developed an app which does that
06 Jul: Keep calm and carry on being weird...
05 Jul: Why do you misbehave?
02 Jul: Apologies for pouring pesto into your keyboard. I thought you liked pesto?
01 Jul: I can't remember what I was meant to be doing with my life? Perhaps its in my drafts folder...
30 Jun: The fruit of my labour...
29 Jun: Would you rather tweet or poke or edit-copy or edit-paste....
28 Jun: ANIMATION: The Evolution of the Computer
28 Jun: Why do I love the internet so much?
25 Jun: I have developed new pickling software. Basically you put a cucumber on your laptop...
24 Jun: ok, ok, the job is a bit boring, but at least I get to watch some good tv...
23 Jun: I consider myself to be quite sexigmatic actually (that's simultaneously enigmatic and sexy or vice versa...)
22 Jun: No news is good news which is why I microwaved my TV...
21 Jun: The history of man...
18 Jun: iím running so late that i might have to do the unthinkable, which is to compress my dawdling time....
17 Jun: I'm bored. I think I'll go and spend some quality time looking at myself in a mirror...
16 Jun: Apologies for licking your mobile phone. I couldn't help it, it's just so sexy...
15 Jun: I have invented the yo. It's kind of like a yo-yo, but different...
14 Jun: You should always finish your sentences because
11 Jun: The answer is football and the question is largely irrelevant...
11 Jun: Eat, drink & be merry!
10 Jun: Neither saint nor sinner (just a normal bloke having a really good time...)
09 Jun: I live life by the ok rule. I trust you're ok with that....
08 Jun: New Little Brainwaves Books
08 Jun: Does being asked to tick the box irritate you at all?
07 Jun: Office Excuse 07 June
04 Jun: Father's Day Cards & Shirts...
04 Jun: Oh don't be stupid. No, actually, do be stupid, it suits you.
02 Jun: My life runs pretty smoothly...
02 Jun: Question 27/b (tick ox as appropriate)
01 Jun: 50 new stories on smories.com
01 Jun: Life is not a bed of roses...
30 May: One day, like a phoenix, I shall rise from the ashes...
28 May: It's important to think about your future, because your past has been so bloody weird...
27 May: I am unable to come into the office today because I bought some apples...
26 May: Go on, release your inner neanderthal...
25 May: My "daily work-mound"...
24 May: How normal are you on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is offensively abnormal and is 100% normal?
21 May: My enemy's enema is my enema...
20 May: I have invented a new style of jeans that has rounded refrigerated pockets (for storage of miniature pizzas)
19 May: Tick box: Ooo-ahr, woo-hoo, hmmm.....
18 May: I have invented a new type of jeans made out of wood...
17 May: Never cry over spilt milk...
14 May: Apparently life imitates art...
13 May: The Most Brilliant, Boldly Going Book of Exploration Ever... by the Brainwaves
13 May: When I feel philosophical, I like staying in bed to speckulate (i.e. contemplating the fact that I am a teeny speck in a massive universe...)
12 May: Life is meant to be smelly...
11 May: Deep inside my soul is a horse. I can take that horse to water, but I can't make him drink, yet if I take him to the pub, I can make him drink. How does that work?
10 May: Typical day of a typical human being...
07 May: Apologies for grinding up your mobile phone into powder and then inhaling it. I didn't realsie how attached to it you were...
6 May: Yes, I do consider myself quite Prime Ministerial, frankly...
06 May: General election: Tick appropriate box
05 May: Election day is 06 May. I'll be taking the day off work and watching the resuts in my local pub. Gosh, I love democracy...
05 May: Human civilization is a contradiction in terms...
04 May: Our new project: www.smories.com
04 May: Tick box below
30 Apr: Are you indecisive? Tick box:
29 Apr: Scientists have genetically fused apples with oranges hence throwing the entire idiom industry into disarray...
28 Apr: What you think is normal is actually the old normal. There's a new normal and I'm afraid to say you're not part of it...
27 Apr: How weird are you on a scale of 1 to 100 where 1 is non-weird and 100 is like totally weird?
27 Apr: One of the country's top hunkologists has confirmed that indeed, you are an extraordinary hunk of a man...
26 Apr: I believe in neither democracy nor autocracy. I believe in plasmocracy...
26 Apr: When I'm older I'm going to be a rumpologist...
23 Apr: You are just a teeny speck on a massive planet...
23 Apr: Celebrity gossip or telescope?
22 Apr: Do you like to think out of the box?
21 Apr: UK Election choices (for those of you who know Vimrod)
21 Apr: I have realised that if you stare at yourself in the mirror while thinking about the past....
20 Apr: Do you know what you're doing with your life?
19 Apr: Those icelanders, yes well don't say I didn't warn you. Setting up on an island out there was very suspicious to start with so it's not surprising to find them stirring up trouble, but would you listen to me, no, no, no you wouldn't...
16 Apr: I can't quite decide whether to be unhinged or unbalanced today...
15 Apr: I believe in neither democracy nor autocracy. I believe in shoes...
14 Apr: Loads & loads of new Vimrod products
14 Apr: Loads & loads of new Vimrod products
14 Apr: I like to start working immediately after breakfast, which is why I notmally have breakfast mid-afternoon...
13 Apr: I am not worried about global warming. I am worried about my underpants. They're too tight.
12 Apr: My home is my comfort-zone...
09 Apr: My imbecile gland seems to be swelling up again
08 Apr: Do you think it's important to think out of the box? Tick box below...
07 Apr: May the river of red wine flow through your life (without damaging the carpets)
06 Apr: Decision pyramid for positive-minded people...
01 Apr: Am I happy? Ask my spleen.
31 Mar: If confused, bick one of the toxes below...
30 Mar: I believe in neither capitalism nor socialism. I believe in fartism. Unadulterated free issuance by anyone, anytime, any place, irrespective of race, colour, creed or diet...
29 Mar: Tick box...
26 Mar: I don't do normal...
25 Mar: Consistently inconsistent. It's the only way forward...
24 Mar: I am not obsessed with women...
23 Mar: Celebrate Life! (pick a bogey and flick it at someone who irritates you)
22 Mar: How to make money: Buy a property, get a mortgage, reconstruct the property...
19 Mar: Complacency is a waste of good complaining time...
18 Mar: I have developed the new lick-phone, which is like a touch-phone, but you operate it by licking the screen. It's very sexy...
17 Mar: Oh, by the way, Happy St. Patrick's Day...
17 Mar: I consider myself to be both enigmatic and sexy. Sexigmatic if you will...
16 Mar: I have a new i-phone and a new i-pod and a new i-pad...
15 Mar: You know you live in suburbia when you wake up on a Sunday morning and see your neighbour licking his car clean...
12 Mar: If it weren't for my mum, my life would fall apart. She's like wood glue really...
12 Mar: Godda make money...
11 Mar: I have often wondered what life would be like if we didn't have the internet, like I mean, how would we check email and stuff like that. Maybe we'd have to post emails to each other using envelopes, like in the olden days?
10 Mar: I am not obsessed with guys...
09 Mar: My new i-phone...
08 Mar: Cheer up and be happy. Or go away and make me some tea...
05 Mar: Our new project: www.smories.com
05 Mar: Never trust a millipede with athlete's foot.
04 Mar: Mind-share pioneer
03 Mar: My task for the day is to set a task for myself...
02 Mar: My grandfather lived his life eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth...
01 Mar: Anything is possible on the adventure that is life...
05 Feb: My head is so full of good ideas that I actually need to take the day off work...
05 Feb: What shall I do today? I know, I think I'll go online and...
04 Feb: The cucumber pickling factory....
03 Feb: The big huggy grizzly bear that lives inside me...
02 Feb: My new mobile phone...
01 Feb: I am not indecisive...
29 Jan: I will be unable to come into the office next month as I will be sexercising....
28 Jan: One day I'd like to live a stone's throw away from the sea...
27 Jan: I fully believe in promoting cultural diversity...
26 Jan: The tax implications of a nervous breakdown...
25 Jan: When I'm bored I activate the out of office autoreply thingy on my email...
22 Jan: My pyramid of needs...
21 Jan: Hee hee, life is fantastickle!
20 Jan: Why do I talk about myself all the time? Because I'm bloody fascinating, that's why.
19 Jan: I can't quite work out whether my decisiveness valve has gone into spasm or my indecisiveness valve has jammed in the open position...
18 Jan: I am not a shopaholic, but the bunnies inside my head, boy do they looooooooooooooooooove shopping. naughty bunnies.
17 Jan: NEW ONLINE STORY - Those Were The Days My Friend
15 Jan: One day I'm going to pack it all in...
15 Jan: AN HOURLY SMILE
14 Jan: My new mobile phone can cure athlete's foot....
13 Jan: The reticulated, vehiculated magnetic fridge...
12 Jan: I LOVE MY BED - new online story -
12 Jan: Wat that an opinion or a brain fart?
11 Jan: Hello, this is your computer speaking...
11 Jan: Our latest online story: For the CHRONICALLY INDECISIVE
08 Jan: We are all mere hamsters on the spinning-wheel of life...
07 Jan: The small circus inside my head...
06 Jan: Why does my car never break down?
05 Jan: Godda check email...
04 Jan: I am unable to come in to work today because the universe is expanding...
04 Jan: I am unable to come in to work today because the universe is expanding...
23 Dec: Keep calm and carry on...
22 Dec: The Great Sheep-shank Redemptor...
21 Dec: I love my job...
18 Dec: There are certain things in nature that cannot be changed...
17 Dec: Something to do when you're bored at your desk...
16 Dec: Lack of discipline...
15 Dec: I am starting a show called the V-Factor, and yes, V stands for vomit...
14 Dec: My problem with tidying up...
11 Dec: Yes, there is an edge to the world...
10 Dec: I am never wrong...
09 Dec: I am sick and tired of being told to think out of the box...
08 Dec: I'd like a regular cheeseburger...
07 Dec: You put the perb in super...
04 Dec: Is your keypad locked?
03 Dec: New Xmas Cards on Moonpig.com
03 Dec: Mud wrestling conundrum...
02 Dec: I have developed the chopera...
01 Dec: I have developed a new vehcile called the 4 X 4 X 5...
30 Nov: There is no excuse for being a grumpy old fart...
27 Nov: Apologies for pouring hydrochloric acid into your keyboard...
26 Nov: Sometimes I feel that nothing makes sense...
25 Nov: I was looking through some old family papers...
24 Nov: The definition of true love...
23 Nov: PhD. (daydreaming)
20 Nov: Being in complete control of your life is an amazing feeling. Apparently.
19 Nov: Sometimes the best ideas come when one is relaxed...
18 Nov: New Vimrod cards on www.moonpig.com
18 Nov: Two wrongs don't make a right...
17 Nov: His ideas, do you think they're spontaneous....
16 Nov: If in doubt, close your eyes and have a little snooze...
13 Nov: Our new BRAINWAVES book
13 Nov: It really bugs me having to make toast every morning...
12 Nov: Deep inside every one of us hides a true hero...
11 Nov: There are 4 major questions in life...
10 Nov: I can't quite decide whether to be vintage vogue or retro quirky...
09 Nov: Sometimes being such a visionary actually gives me a headache...
06 Nov: I'm happy and I have no excuse for it, I'm afraid...
05 Nov: "What If" maps - www.ralphlazar.com
05 Nov: Sometimes I just want to curl up into a little ball ... (version 2)
04 Nov: If you want to get your internet connected...
03 Nov: The cloud of joy...
02 Nov: I am determined to be happy...
30 Oct: One day Iíll be so rich that the bricks of my mansion will be stuck together with congealed foie grasÖ
28 Oct: Sometimes I just want to curl up into a little ball...
28 Oct: I have realised that at this stage of life...
27 Oct: My new laptop is so carbon neutral that it actually lays its own free-range egg every 15 minutes...
26 Oct: I object to the cretinisation of cretins...
23 Oct: My work-diet...
22 Oct: Men are wonderful creatures. Every women should own a couple at some stage of her life...
21 Oct: You know the way dogs lick your face when they are happy to see you...
20 Oct: Gargantuan lack of self-knowledge is the only way forward...
19 Oct: It's pointless crying over spilt milk...
16 Oct: My grandfather and the iguana sandwiches...
15 Oct: I can remember neither my username nor password nor pin number...
14 Oct: Subscribe to the free Vimrod daily cartoon at www.vimrod.com
13 Oct: My problem with washing up is twofold...
12 Oct: In life it is important to keep your eye on the prize....
09 Oct: Keep calm and carry on...
08 Oct: Everyone has gone completely mad...
07 Oct: I am unable to come into the office today because...
06 Oct: The three problems with my job...
05 Oct: I have invented a new hot beverage called the cappuccinohoho-mwhahaha...
04 Oct: Vimrod 2010 calendars (USA & UK)
02 Oct: My favourite fairytale is Snow White and the iguana breeding farm...
30 Sep: My new laptop is leaking pancreatic fluid. Should I be worried?
30 Sep: I was told to keep my eye on the ball. But what am I meant to do with the other eye?
29 Sep: Apparently there was a fourth bear that was in the house at the time...
28 Sep: Go on, release your inner idiot, you know you want to...
25 Sep: Scientists have discovered that all potatoes actually have names. That was Steve that you just ate.
24 Sep: I'd like to move to America because I find the Statue of Liberty sexually attractive. Do you think they'll give me a Green Card on that basis?
23 Sep: The photo in my passport made me look like some kind of weird pervert character...
22 Sep: I have discovered that no-one is normal except myself...
21 Sep: How normal are you on a scale of -10 to 0?
18 Sep: I consider myself an eclectic autodidactic...
17 Sep: Life as we know it is basically one long struggle to contain the seeping of bodily fluids. Totally gross but true, and the sooner you accept this stylised hypothesis, the better (and if you want to borrow some tissues just give me a shout....)
16 Sep: There are two ways of looking at your position in the world...
15 Sep: My favourite fairy-tale is Snow White and the Uzbek pump-station...
14 Sep: Life is like a revolving door insofar as it goes round and round and round...
11 Sep: I am a writer. I specialise in very short stories which I scribble onto Granny Smith apples. And no, none of my stories have been published yet, but a lot have been eaten...
10 Sep: Barack Obama would have been one of my best mates at Harvard (...if iíd gone to university)
09 Sep: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8181983@N05/3903128396/
08 Sep: Life is just a revolving door...
07 Sep: You know that dance where you put your left leg in and then you put your left leg out and then again you put your left leg in and then you shake it all about, yes well whatís that all about?
15 Jul: My ability to talk nonsense is inversely proportional to the rate at which I calibrate proportionality, I find...
15 Jul: Life is a great journey, through the valleys of hope and the mountains of joy, across the seas of uncertainty and the open plains of happiness. And back and forth to the loo a lot...
14 Jul: Scratch my back and I'll........say thank you very politely...
13 Jul: His idiot valve seems to be open...
10 Jul: Why do I go to the hairdresser so often?
09 Jul: How to fill in forms...
08 Jul: Just taking my brain out for a quick walk. I'll be back later...
07 Jul: Pessimists see dough-nuts as flattened dough balls with holes in the middle. Optimists see them as dough-embraced portals to the fourth dimension...
06 Jul: I find that finishing my sentences is not
03 Jul: I know itís not about me, but I just have to say me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me and me. ...whew, much better...
02 Jul: Inside the head of every man is a small garden shed jam-packed with a broad array of curious tools, the function of which is largely unknown...
01 Jul: Is the glass half full or half empty? And now is it one third full or two thirds empty? And now is it totally empty or completely not full?
30 Jun: New BRAINWAVES book
30 Jun: I have invented a device that: [1] reverses global warming, [2] brings world peace [3] and prevents shower temperatures from fluctuating. Iím really excited about [3] and I think itís going to make me rich. Seriously rich...
29 Jun: I dreamt I was dreaming and in that dream I dreamt I was dreaming and in turn, in that dream I dreamt I was in a barber shop which had a mirror behind me and in front of me so it was an endless series of mirrored rooms if you know what I mean. Anyway...
26 Jun: The path of life might take you to the hilltop of happiness or the mountains of madness or the plains of pleasant things or just back to your place where you have to tidy up...
24 Jun: Iíd sail through life if I could find someone to delegate the sailing and the wet stuff and the physical stuff to...
24 Jun: True happiness is found by running naked through tall grass. (tall enough to tickle your undercarriage...)
23 Jun: The reason I like seeing myself in the mirror is because I really admire myself, and if you have a problem with that, speak to my mirror...
22 Jun: Skweek skweek skweek (means "have an amazing day" in hamster language)
19 Jun: There was once a man who was not scared of the inside of womenís handbags. He was weird.
18 Jun: I have spotted a great opportunity in marketing. Basically, you go to markets and buy loads of stuff. Great, isnít it.
17 Jun: I find that working under the influence of chocolate seriously increases my productivity...
16 Jun: I have developed an application that can harden software and soften hardware. Itís very useful actually...
15 Jun: this is not a mere washing machine. in actual fact it has dual gender-based functionality insofar as it allows women to wash things and men to shrink things...
12 Jun: Always carry a tea spoon with you because you never know when you might need to bop a silly little man over the head...
11 Jun: My business involves printing millions of small smiley face stickers and sticking them all over the place, and as a result making everyone feel a lot better. Financials? Oh no no no, we donít actually earn anything...
10 Jun: I would run naked through the hills celebrating the joy of life but there are no hills around here so I think Iíll just check email...
09 Jun: Never feel depressed or down or that the world is getting the better of you, because somewhere, maybe near, maybe far, is the small pea of happiness and heís rolling slowly, relentlessly in your direction...
08 Jun: I have invented an incredibly sophisticated device that warns you once your toast has burnt...
05 Jun: The goat of happiness and good fortune would like to apologise for eating those green shoots. He didnít realise they were the first signs of economic recovery...
04 Jun: Every time I have a good idea I invoice myself, and although I havenít made any of the payments, I am theoretically a multi-millionaire...
03 Jun: I'm not ahead of the curve, I am the curve...
02 Jun: I have developed a laptop converter which basically converts one's laptop into a spoon in case you need to eat ice-cream or anything...
01 Jun: My full time job is to be not weird...
29 May: How to deal with life: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...
28 May: i hate cleaning the floor and hence i am looking to buy an apartment with no floor. itís innovative thinking like this that keeps people like me ahead of the curve. well ahead...
27 May: it is not a dumb grin, it is my ďexude-positive-energy during-recessionĒ look, and actually yes, i do think it is having a positive impact even if it does scare small children...
26 May: I always carry a small barrel of whiskey around my neck...
22 May: Credit-crunch shoes. You MUST buy them...
21 May: Save water, bath in champagne.
20 May: General hilarity is the only way forward...
19 May: I am unable to work today because my underpants are too loose...
18 May: If you think you're so clever, when was Born Borg Bjorn? You don't know, do you?
15 May: If you want to be subversive, next time you say bye-bye to someone, swap the second bye with the first. They wonít even notice, thatís how cool it is...
14 May: Would you like a cuppa tea or a cuppa cheenoh?
13 May: He's spent the entire evening fiddling on his fancy new phone. maybe he's trying to download the "get-a-life" app...
12 May: I have developed this neural networking software that connects social networking websites to each other and basically gets everyone to start arguing, and hence they spend more time on the sites and thus advertising revenues go up so everyone is a net winner. Iím so smart that sometime it actually gives me a headache....
11 May: Credit Crunch Smile
08 May: I never say hello to people, I say olleh...
07 May: Normality is relative insofar as relative to my relatives, I am normal...
06 May: London Exhibition Next Week
06 May: My opinions are so insightful that whenever I voice them people get that glazed look on their faces...
05 May: I have man flu which is why I shall not be coming in to the office for the next month...
01 May: THE OFFICE FART - NEW ONLINE STORY
01 May: Do you speak english or ticklish?
30 Apr: Always follow your dreams, except of course if they involve walking around with underpants on your head...
29 Apr: Smile, and with you the world shall smile...
28 Apr: You know the way you sing like nobody's listening...
27 Apr: When I'm older I'd like to be disgruntled because its such a lovely word...
24 Apr: In a few years time I'm going to become a bear...
23 Apr: The Lost Fart (a little story)
23 Apr: There are two approaches to an office job...
22 Apr: Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end...
21 Apr: I left a slab of chocolate on the table...
20 Apr: Her name is Metaphorically and she never stops speaking...
17 Apr: God created the heavens and the earth...
07 Apr: Out for extended credit crunch lunch...
06 Apr: Ten things I love about my job...
03 Apr: What's the state of your mentalhood?
02 Apr: My emotional state is best described by two words: [1] yo [2] yo
01 Apr: You don't hear the pin drop, you hear it hit the floor, actually.
31 Mar: You know the way you dance like nobody's watching, well, erm, they are watching...
30 Mar: Gosh, I feel so alive that I think I might take a nap...
27 Mar: Who cares about the state of the world, I'm more woried about the state of the bathroom...
26 Mar: Life is a wonderful road-trip...
25 Mar: The best way to follow your dreams is by falling asleep...
24 Mar: I am not having an existential crisis...
23 Mar: May London Exhibition
23 Mar: My grandfather was a rug smuggler...
20 Mar: 5 elements to a perfect meal [1] starter [2] main course [3] dessert [4] second-helping of dessert [5] third-helping of dessert
19 Mar: I have set up a website called orphanedsocks.com. It basically helps people track down missing socks. It also leverages purpose-built, real-time risk and decisioning technology, giving users access to the worldís largest virtual marketplace for single soc
18 Mar: I believe that a consciousness-based approach to oneís career is the most fulfilling, i.e. if you try to stay conscious at least 50% of your time in the office you will make progress...
17 Mar: List of allergies: [1] nuts [2] milk [3] dust [4] cats [5] weird men
16 Mar: There is nothing wrong with being wrong all of the time...I find it quite relaxing actually...
13 Mar: Hmm, Friday Friday Friday...I canít quite decide whether to fiddle aimlessly or muck about or just simply mess around...
12 Mar: Multiple choice question...
11 Mar: The 4 pillars of civilization
10 Mar: Nothing ryhmes with orange. Except poringe. Poringe rhymes with orange...
09 Mar: Complimentary tickets for London's Affordable Artfair
09 Mar: Life is funny, and not in terms of funny haha or funny peculiar, but in terms of funny hahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha and funny extremely peculiar....
06 Mar: If you call your mobile phone from your landline, and then, without hanging up, place it in the microwave oven and set it to two minutes on high heat, and then listen through the landline - you will actually hear the sound of aliens communicating through
05 Mar: Weird people are better people...
03 Mar: Always follow your dreams (except the one where you are riding naked on a turquoise rhinoceros while attempting to lasso Brad Pitt while he is out jogging...)
02 Mar: I have a great business plan. Basically we build a shoe factory and sell single shoes only. Then when someone buys a shoe, once they are wearing it they will like it so much that they will want to buy one for the other foot, and then...
27 Feb: I canít quite decide what to do at work today. Shall I break down barriers or push to new frontiers? Break or push? Maybe I should just mess about online...
26 Feb: how normal are you on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is marginally abnormal and 10 is totally abnormal?
25 Feb: I bought a massive chest freezer, and I have filled it with cartons of milk. Only once a carton has been in there for at minimum a year, do i drink it. Now because milk prices are continually going up, I am implicitly drinking milk that is cheaper than that everyone else is drinking. With the impled savings I am going to buy another freezer, so save even more. Itís people like me who are ahead of the curve, waaaaaay ahead...
24 Feb: I have named my puppy Payment. Heís cute but ever so naughty. No, Payment! Down Payment! Down Payment!
23 Feb: The moon is actually one big swollen gland, and when that gland bursts, things are going to be messy. Well, thatís my theory anyway...
20 Feb: Do not read this email because it contains a virus that will make you start messing around instead of working. Too late...
19 Feb: I am having an operation tomorrow to straighten my fingers. After that my hands will look perfect, fingers crossed...
18 Feb: All conspiracy theories are fiction according to my mentor, who has told me however not to talk about it on the phone... also, please delete this email.
17 Feb: I never never never never never.....never exaggerate.
16 Feb: VIMROD PHOTO UPLOAD CARDS
16 Feb: To cheer people up I have tatooed a picture of mating gerbils onto my forehead. It conveys a sense of optimism and hope, I believe...
13 Feb: Save water. Drink petrol.
12 Feb: This email contains an instant download virus which will turn you into an emotionally stable person for the next 24 hours, but donít worry, the effect wears off completely...
11 Feb: A maidmer is basically top half fish and bottom half woman. Not a pretty sight...
10 Feb: is the opposite of nonethless nonethemore or lotstheless?
09 Feb: I look up into the sky and wonder where the universe ends and the next one begins? Maybe there, or there, or there, or just a little bit to the left over there, or over there, or, yes, whatís that line there, maybe there?
06 Feb: My soothsayer has unexpectedly had to leave the country...
05 Feb: When I am older I would like to be a pirate but for the moment I am happy in investment banking...
04 Feb: Sometimes one just needs to lie back and stare at the sky and try to work out what oneís priorities are. When I did it myself, I realised that my main priority is to spend time lying back looking at the sky...
3 Feb: Someone's taken the initiative. Should I call the police?
2 Feb: Success is all about mind over matter, i.e if you don't mind not succeeding, then it doesn't matter...
30 Jan: I really think we need to look at the object objectively and the subject subjectively and the project projectively. (I am so smart, no wonder I am a natural leader...)
29 Jan: There are two amazing things about me: [1] My name is Augustus-Ignatius- Peruvio-Vilanculos, [2] I can write my name in the dust when I pee...
28 Jan: Everything about life is about consistency and accessibility and a pyjamarama rotunda. These are my world views and of you want to disagree with them, by all means do, but Iíll probably consider you an enemy...
27 Jan: Opportunity knocks. Any reason why it can't use the buzzer?
26 Jan: Genius, geniuser, geniusest, geniusestest...
23 Jan: No, I am certainly not going to sit back, I am definitely not going to relax, and I am going to hate the flight, thank you very much...
22 Jan: I would like to be quixotic but I have no idea what it means...
21 Jan: The best way to survive recession is to spend less money that you don't have...
20 Jan: Come toast marshmallows with me, over a campfire in a hidden campsite on a hill. No? You hate hills, ok...
19 Jan: I am open-minded insofar as I am prepared to read the sports section of pretty much any newspaper...
16 Jan: My life is about as stable as 5 year oldís triple decker soft-serve on a hot summerís day...
15 Jan: The universal theory of gravity tells us that in the evenings we get heavier which is basically why we need to lie down. If you have any other questions about science, physics or philosophy, just ask, seriously...
14 Jan: Apparently Adam voluntarily left the Garden of Eden because god refused to provide him with a little shed with all the gardening tools in it...
13 Jan: 12% of everything is amazing. The rest is crap.
12 Jan: I have found that if a problem rears its head, the best way to deal with it is by being highly emotional, inconsistent and super irrational, and the problem tends to go away....
22 Dec: Merry Xmas and Happy New Year
16 Dec: I asked an ant where he was going and he didn't answer me. Why all the secrecy?
15 Dec: There is no place for complacency (except for on the sofa, that is the perfect place)
12 Dec: I am right all of the time and you are wrong all of the time. Any other questions?
11 Dec: I am not messy, I am merely not not messy...
10 Dec: Personalisable Vimrod Xmas cards
10 Dec: i am aggressively pursuing a career in buddist teachings. i want to be the best teacher around and nothingís gonna stop me...
09 Dec: My life coach has had a nervous breakdown. Should I be worried?
08 Dec: I know life's a picnic, but I just can't seem to find the entrance to the park...
01 Dec: Away until 08 Dec.
28 Nov: The information in this email is intended for the addresees named in the email only...
27 Nov: I don't know if you know this but it is actually possible to stop talking...
26 Nov: Ever, everer, everest. Aaah, that's where they got the name from...
25 Nov: GLASS CATHEDRAL ARTWORKS: Spitalfields Art Fair London, Tues 2nd - Sun 7th Dec '08
25 Nov: i asked an ant where he was going and he didnít answer me. conclusion: ants either have something to hide, or they donít understand english...
24 Nov: i am too busy at work to take your call but if you have any questions by all means address them to one of my personal masseuses...
21 Nov: Apologies for dropping your Rolex into the long-drop, seriously, it was an accident and if you get a piece of string and a magnet, I'm sure you'll be able to get it out...
20 Nov: i am unable to come into the office today as my pet millipede has just had babies so i need to take it to the millipediatrician...
19 Nov: Do ants have weekends?
18 Nov: I never seem to cook rice quite right. Maybe it's the type of frying pan?
17 Nov: Life can be a long and winding road...perhaps I should write a song about it...
14 Nov: The rich cycle of life: Make mess, tidy mess, make mess, tidy mess...
13 Nov: all i require is the serenity to grant me the wisdom that will grant me the insight that will facilitate the knowledge to acquire the serenity...
12 Nov: Subscribe to the free Vimrod daily cartoon at www.vimrod.com
11 Nov: I have butterflies in my stomach. (I should never have eaten those bloody caterpillars...)
09 Nov: The Lost Fart (a little story)
07 Nov: Books 13 and 14 in the Vimrod collection now available
07 Nov: Subscribe to the free Vimrod daily cartoon at www.vimrod.com
06 Nov: Daffodils bug me, the way they just stand there doing nothing and everyone admires them, I mean, if I did that people would avoid me like the plague...
05 Nov: I will not be coming in to the office for the next six months because I have decided to take some time out to celebrate the Barackobamafication of the situation generally and specifically...
04 Nov: To celebrate being alive, I think I'll take a little nap...
O3 Nov: VIMROD 2009 CALENDARS
03 Nov: I'm bored. Maybe a little panic might spruce things up a bit around here?
31 Oct: What is it about life that makes it so interesting? Aha, I know, TV! There's a lot of interesting stuff on TV!
30 Oct: It's a silly old world, which is why I fot in so well...
29 Oct: One day I will buy some land in the South of France and put a fence around it because I love fences...
28 Oct: I have fired my accountant because on my personal balance sheet he classifies my farts as liabilities when in actual fact they are assets...
27 Oct: There are two ways of dealing with housework: [1] Strategic incompetence, [2] Selective deafness.
24 Oct: In life you have two choices: Choice one is to choose between two other choices...
23 Oct: You know you are in trouble when cracks start appearing on everything and little farts start coming out of them...
22 Oct: My friend, you have exactly one hour to tell me how long an hour is...
21 Oct: I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and yes, it is an open fridge...
20 Oct: I shan't be coming into the office next week as I am having colonic irrigation, and if you hve a problem with that, talk to my colon...
17 Oct: Hi, Nice to meet you. I tend to spray saliva when I laugh so best not to say anything too funny...
16 Oct: In event of existential crisis, stick finger into toaster...
15 Oct: If computers can fall asleep all the time, why can't I?
14 Oct: I am late because I was looking in my excuse box for a good excuse...
13 Oct: I have decided to say something profound and insightful, but not today...
10 Oct: No potatoes for me thanks, they contain polyuncarbonatedreticulum...
09 Oct: Seriousness is a waste of good smiling time...
08 Oct: Our new BRAINWAVES book
08 Oct: When I tell my staff to jump, aren't they meant to ask me how high, instead of just saying no?
07 Oct: The average human is mad and I am proud to consider myself well above average...
04 Oct: My shirt is not actually inside-out...
03 Oct: 9 things to do before you get out of bed...
01 Oct: I was thinking about the big questions in life...
30 Sep: Globalisation plus the internet...
30 Sep: 9 things to do before you retire: work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work and work
29 Sep: I looked at my reflection in the mirror and thought I looked a bit weird....
25 Sep: I saw such a cute puppy for sale but I can't afford it so I'll buy it next year...
25 Sep: I can't come into the office today because stockmarkets are falling plus I don't feel like it...
23 Sep: I am so excited by life that I have started keeping a journal of what I do every minute...
23 Sep: I am sick and tired of ordering toast from you online as it always arrives stale...
22 Sep: The suggestion that my life is falling apart presupposes that it was together in the first place...
19 Sep: Whoosh, I love the feeling of power I get when deleting internal memos...
18 Sep: I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your sense of humour in the recent financial markets crisis. I didn't realise you had mortgaged it...
17 Sep: Regarding the turd in formaldehyde...
16 Sep: I am giving up my job because sitting in front of the computer like this is flattening my bum...
15 Sep: Hello, this is your computer speaking. You always seem to have that blank look on your face...
12 Sep: I have decided to lend myself some money to by that dress...
11 Sep: If your parents called you Bo Peep would you not also be cavalier with the livestock?
10 Sep: I eat vegetarians
09 Sep: I am paid to stare at a computer screen all day. Do you think maybe I should switch it on?
08 Sep: The great thing about being as zen as I am is it's a perfect smokescreen for general crapness...
05 Sep: That tree is so beautful that I actually think we should chop it down and make some kind of monument to it...
04 Sep: You haven't experienced my exceptional opinions, have you?
03 Sep: Most seats love my arse, I'm telling you
02 Sep: One day I am going to pack it all in and buy a cottage in a small village...
01 Sep: One needs to always think of the future (which is why I always read the TV listings)
18 Jul: Vimrod away until 01 September...
18 Jul: Life, what's it all about?
17 Jul: Why be sensible when you can just be yourself?
16 Jul: Gosh, I'm bored, I wonder what to do? Oh, I know, I'll send myself some emails...
15 Jul: I purchased 200 toilet rolls and spent the weekend measuring how long each one was...
14 Jul: I have developed wallet-sized pizzas. Basically you keep them in your wallet or purse...
11 Jul: I have decided to set up an airline because I want to experience the raw power of being able to lose people's suitcases...
10 Jul: I was poised for greateness but the poising gave me a cramp...
09 Jul: I'd like to apologise in advance for something that I might or might not do. Do you accept my apology?
08 Jul: One day I'll sell up, find a charming vilage up in the hills...
07 Jul: I told everyone in the office that I was going to be on tv...
4 Jul: I really must put all my photos into albums...
03 Jul: I have pioneered the waterproof toaster. I am going to make millions...
02 Jul: Scientists have discovered that actually there are six seasons...
01 Jul: Has everyone gone completely mad, or is it just our family?
30 Jun: Hmmm, let's see what bugs you most? Random naps, mysterious relocating of folders...
27 Jun: Global warming is nonsense. Seriously, but I can't explain more now...
26 Jun: Has the world really gone mad, or is it merely a facade to scare off potential alien invaders?
25 Jun: One day I'll be prime president, I'm telling you...
24 Jun: How mad do you think my family is on a scale of 9 to 10?
23 Jun: I have not lost my ability to work hard because I never had it in the first place...
20 Jun: The're all just jealous!
19 Jun: The thing is...um, actually, what is the thing?
18 Jun: I am so high-powered that I need to wear a seatbelt at my desk...
17 Jun: Focus on da fundamentals...
16 Jun: I have set up a help-line for people who can't find the sugar...
13 Jun: I would be master of my own ship if I could sail...
12 Jun: Stay as calm and collected as humanly possible...
11 Jun: Success is a function of one's ability to talk nonsense with confidence...
10 Jun: I spend a significant chunk of my day staring at my computer screen, imagining....
09 Jun: Are you behind or ahead of the curve?
05 Jun: One guess why I hate pigeons...
03 Jun: 12th Vimrod book published (BLOKEHOOD)
23 May: At night I like to leopard crawl over to my neighbour's house, lie under his bedroom window and...
22 May: What is a male ladybird called?
21 May: I was at the office yesterday sir, it's just that I'd shape-shifted into a mug...
20 May: I am so high-powered that if you plugged a medium sized toaster into me it would actually work...
19 May: In life there's upside, downside and upsidedownside...
15 May: I am unable to come into the office because I have my samuraiship inauguration ceremony...
15 May: I get soooo many emails every day. It's amazing being so popular...
14 May: The harder I try, the smellier I become...
13 May: I will be sending you a copy of my cv shortly. It has been delayed because...
12 May: I won't be coming in to the office today because I have some weird infection...
09 May: I had such a good day at the office primarily because my computer was set to chuckle mode...
08 May: I love the taste of envelope glue on my tongue so much that whenever i get a box of new envelopes...
07 May: Hello, this is your life speaking. More treats please...
06 May: I'm late because my laptop had a nervous breakdown and I had to take it to the vet.
02 May: Forget global warming, let's talk about me...
01 May: Whether I spend too much time vegetating in front of the tv or not is largely academic...
30 Apr: Be yourself. (I find it quite amusing...)
29 Apr: I am not lazy, I just believe in taking pauses within pauses...
28 Apr: Yes, self-delusion is quite a pleasant place to be...
25 Apr: I don't have a complex, I have a simplex ok, so keep your distance...
24 Apr: This rice is uber delicious. How did you soften it like this, in boiling water?
23 Apr: I am afraid that I have to leave the office early as one of my shoelaces is undone...
22 Apr: Basically we're looking to rent an isolated, rural, charming, stunning, basic, sophisticated...
21 Apr: Those who don't doodle, doontle...
18 Apr: I am so full of myself that I actually need to burp...
17 Apr: I can speak watermelon. Seriously, my dad was in the diplomatic service and I learnt it as a kid...
16 Apr: I have suddenly realised that I am my alter ego's alter ego...
15 Apr: Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle...is how life should be...
14 Apr: Dunno, I find I could just lean out of my apartment window and watch pigeons all day...
11 Apr: I'm so excited, it's my company's annual nostril harvest. Gosh how I love being part of a large organisation...
10 Apr: Did you say tea? Yes please. I'd like milk and sugar please. One sugar, not too heaped, but put it in before the teabag...
09 Apr: Whenever I go to someone's house I go into their study, and any envelopes I can find, I lick them shut...
08 Apr: I am not religious, but I do find those shoes divine...
07 Apr: If you're tired of me then you're tired of life. So you're tired of life, oh, ok, I re um...
04 Apr: This installation is the tunnel of doom and recklessness and abandonment and pleasures...
03 Apr: Hello. This is your brain speaking. I am not going to tell you your pin number. I repeat...
02 Apr: Apologies. I dislocated my nostril doing yoga.
01 Apr: I have invented the sausageless hotdog. It can be made (and hence sold) for much cheaper. Would you like to invest?
31 Mar: Clutter, declutter, clutter, declutter...the rich cycle of life...
28 Mar: Yes, I am a film-maker. I specialise in romcoms, mockumentaries, horrcoms, thrillcoms, noir-romance...
27 Mar: I have not spoken hastily or without thinking. It has not been an unclear known or a misleading known ... I did a mis-speak
26 Mar: I can't come into work today because of the economic meltdown and because I don't really feel like it...
25 Mar: All Vimrod products are available online at http://www.campusgifts.co.uk/acatalog/Vimrod.html
25 Mar: Hi ho, this is your brain speaking. I would like to inform you that your meltdown is due in about 2 minutes...
21 Mar: My ten favourite drinks are five gin and tonics...
20 Mar: I am fully prepared to admit that I am not guilty
19 Mar: I am starting a crisp factory and we are going to manufacture one flavour: Vinegar and salt...
18 Mar: In life there are insiders and there are outsiders, and then there are people like me: insideouters...
17 Mar: Is your incompetence strategic or tactical?
14 Mar: In life it is crucial to have a list of core objectives around which you add peripheral indulgences...
12 Mar: What I'd like to know is not why I am where I am today...
12 Mar: Moral dilemma: if your accountant made a mistake with your tax returns...
11 Mar: I may be useless at spreadsheets but you should see me on the dancefloor...
10 Mar: I have nothing to fear except for fear itslef. And typos, I am also scared of typos...
07 Mar: Hello. This is your brain speaking. You are being paranoid. They are all mad, not you...
06 Mar: I am amazed at the extent to which I have a bellybutton...
05 Mar: Life is basically a situation...
04 Mar: There are a lot of grumpy old farts around. Kind of like an infestation really...
03 Mar: life can be messy, so just deal with it...(primarily by hiring staff, a house-cleaner and a therapist in particular)
29 Feb: i am basically tired of being treated like a man just because i am one. can i not be treated as a child occasionally?
28 Feb: in the forest of life, i am a tree. a big solid tree. is there any way i can stop small kids from peeing against me?
27 Feb: i apologise for having disturbed your desk. i didn't realise that everything on it was aigned either parallel or at 90 degrees.
26 Feb: if you ask me, i'd say i was a fantastic human being... ...go on then, ask me...
25 Feb: financially it wasn't a great year, but i had some wonderful bogies, so i'm feeling good...
21 Feb: NEW VIMROD BOOK PUBLISHED
21 Feb: i am reincarnated. in my former life i was an envelope, so don't push me.
20 Feb: The answer to the universe is reckless abandon
19 Feb: I am looking to purchase some kind of brain de-scrambling device. No it is not for me, why do you ask?
18 Feb: There are certain people in this office (and I'm not going to say who), and the only way to deal with them...
15 Feb: I'm not uptight, I'm downlose
14 Feb: I always carry a pocket-knife around with me, I mean you just never know when you're going to need to cut open a pocket.
13 Feb: I can't tell whether I'm upper middle class, or lower upper class, or maybe just a total idiot?
12 Feb: My acountant has done the calculations and by his estimates I will be a millionaire by the time I'm 112...
11 Feb: I have purchased a fake grin which I keep in my bag and use in the office. It really helps...
08 Feb: Apologies for being such a brown-noser. I promise I won't do it again and I will do anything to make up for it...
07 Feb: This year so far: Week 1: worked, Week 2: worked, Week 3: worked, Week 4: worked...
06 Feb: Apologies for breaking your mobile phone in half and flushing it down the loo.
05 Feb: Opinions are a waste of time, if you ask me
05 Feb: Opinions are a waste of time, if you ask me...
04 Feb: Why rush through life when you can just ooze from day to day...
01 Feb: My new digital camera is so sophisticated it actually has inbuilt sheep-shearing functionality
31 Jan: I was speeding officer because I have lice and they like going fast.
30 Jan: I have decided to spend the day in bed because of rogue traders, credit crunches and collapsing stockmarkets...
29 Jan: WOOOPs - Vimrod cards.......
29 Jan: PERSONALISABLE VIMROD CARDS ONLINE
29 Jan: I always carry a pen knife with me because you never know when you might need to cut a pen in half...
28 Jan: There was something I wanted to do with my life, but I can't quite remember what...
25 Jan: For every £1 I earn, I manage to spend 2. How does that work?
24 Jan: He asked for a quote so I read him one of Hamlet's soliloquies and he hung up. What's wrong with these customers, I tell you.
23 Jan: They say that in life it is important to focus on the big picture, which is why i have this plasma tv...
22 Jan: I definitely consider myself to be a socialist, but with more of the social and less of the ist...
21 Jan: Oh foo
18 Jan: It's all gonna be just fine, well that is what it said on the government warning pamphlet...
17 Jan: When I'm older I'm going to be a marine biologist because I like the marines and I think biology is useful...
16 Jan: Every now and then, when I get frustrated with the world, I go out and buy a squeezy tube of mayonnaise...
15 Jan: I can't come into the office today because of my conch of streamousness...
14 Jan: There appears to be a broad-based crapification of everything, no?
11 Jan: I firmly believe in recycling, opinions especially
10 Jan: When I am older I am going to sell up and buy a modest cottage in clown town...
09 Jan: I have done the maths, and my conclusion is yes, the sun does shine out of my arse...
08 Jan: I'm not abroad, I'm abloke
07 Jan: I think I might be having a mid-life crisis and need to do something radical. I know, I'll get some personalised license-plates.
07 Dec: Happy new year and all that...
06 Dec: VIMROD LIMITED EDITION ART PRINTS ONLINE
06 Dec: I reckon the theory of gravity is basically not true and that the whole story has been spread by estate agents...
05 Dec: How come whenever I take a photo of myself in the mirror I'm holding a bloody camera?
04 Dec: Because of the credit-crunch, people have started using toast as currency...
03 Dec: Who am I and where am I going? I have no idea and I have no idea.
30 Nov: I have started a website called facebum. Basically, if you have a face or a bum or both you can join...
29 Nov: No one listens to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again...
28 Nov: Red wine brings laughter and laughter is the best medicine and we had a good paugh last night...
27 Nov: Why am I parked here officer? It's because of the goblins. They are coming, and we need to fight them...
26 Nov: There was this new leaf that got so tired of being turned over by various people that it committed suicide...
23 Nov: I was speeding officer because my great great grandfather has just been discovered and he needs some margarine...
22 Nov: wwwhat makes you think I have been spending too much time on the internet?
21 Nov: Consciousness is a waste of good daydreaming time
20 Nov: Listen mister, I hate to tell you this, but you know the way you shout when there's a football match on tv...
19 Nov: My clothes are too tight. Guess they must have shrunk...
16 Nov: You put the tit in attitude...
15 Nov: Do I believe in goblins? Certainly not. They have been extinct for quite some time.
14 Nov: I wish my fridge had legs
13 Nov: I am embarking on an expansionary indulgence policy...
12 Nov: I am not sulking, I am just relaxing my lower lip...
09 Nov: I reckon that the theory of relativity is basically not true and that really what is going on is that academics...
08 Nov: I left the window to my soul open and a pigeon flew in. Should I be worried?
07 Nov: Books 9 and 10 (LIFE and INSULTS) in the Vimrod series now on Amazon
07 Nov: You can't always get what you want (unless of course if you are under 5 years old...)
06 Nov: They tried using me to map the human genome but three of the scientists had a nervous breakdown...
05 Nov: Vimrod official 2008 Calendar
05 Nov: I have devised a TV game called throw food at celebrity chefs...
02 Nov: Boys are basically bogies that have escaped from giants' noses
01 Nov: I am more or less successful but at the moment the less component exceeds the more component...
31 Oct: This office gives me brainrot. I'm sorry, but it's true...
30 Oct: I have had an auto-correct microchip installed in my brain...
29 Oct: The interesting this about me is that I don't need to be entertained. I need to be massaged.
26 Oct: Never slide down bannisters that have gargoyles mounted at their base. Seriously.
25 Oct: Hello. Would you like to buy some double-glazing?
24 Oct: I wish women talked more. (only joking)
23 Oct: Success means focus and focus means binoculars and binoculars mean bird watching...
22 Oct: FLOXYNOXY - NEW CARTOON & WEBSITE LAUNCHED
22 Oct: If you want my advice I wouldn't do it...oh, you don't want my advice? Oh, ok...
19 Oct: Where would I be without you? Probably somewhere amazing, basically.
18 Oct: In life, there is upside, downside, and backside...
17 Oct: You inspire me to a point where I want to take a photo of you and stick it to my own face...
16 Oct: Men are guilty. Of what, I have no idea, but I am telling you, they are guilty of it.
15 Oct: I'm bored. I think I might go and instigate an altercation...
12 Oct: I have decided to bite my dentist
11 Oct: The compliance department wants to know who you are and why you exist
10 Oct: I'd sail through life if I knw how to sail
09 Oct: My laptop got stolen which is worrying because on it I had personal details of all of my ants...
08 Oct: I can't come into the office today because I hurt my wrists milking the walrus...
05 Oct: If any members of staff have a complaint to make they can put it in the kiss-my-bonus-goodbye box...
04 Oct: Life is a tussle between indulgence and extravagance...
03 Oct: I keep my mobile phone switched off all of the time, and in that way the batteries never go flat...
2 Oct: I apologise for squirting insecticide into all those pay and display meters...
01 Oct: Tick this box if you dislike having to tick boxes
28 Sep: I am seriously happy about the lack of seriousness in this place
27 Sep: I wanted to be a builder but my tie kept getting caught in the cement-mixer...
26 Sep: All will be well, touch wood. Ouch, that gave me a splinter.
25 Sep: I don't have regrets. I have egrets. They live in my back garden. Three of them.
24 Sep: My jellyfish has mumps hence I will regretfully not be able to make it to the meeting.
21 Sep: Thanks for the toast, it arrived in the post. I'd like to place anoter order and get a refund for the first as it was stale.
20 Sep: Knock knock. Who's there? Boris. Boris who? Boris Stastokovochnikkokovodgokovbrovovitvh...
19 Sep: Ever seen sheep going to war? Exactly. I tell you, we're the superior species.
18 Sep: Apologies for my continual breathing
14 Sep: My grandfather invented unnecessary use of the word basically...
12 Sep: Interesting that the word mortgage has the word "mort" in it, which in French means "death"...
12 Sep: It is important to make plans so that you have something concrete to forget
11 Sep: New Brainwaves book: How the Incredible Human Body Works
11 Sep: I ate the whole box of chocolates and the only witness was an ant, and I ate him too.
10 Sep: Every morning I issue a press release. None has ever been mentioned in the press and I'm not sure why...
07 Sep: I have invented my own version of paper, scissors, stone. I am going to make millions...
06 Sep: I wish I was a shoe. So much easier being held together by shoelaces that by a facade of confidence...
05 Sep: I appreciate that you may want to leave no stone unturned...
04 Sep: There might be light at the end of the tunnel, but there also might be a sphincter...
03 Sep: He did some housework. And now he's in hospital.
31 Aug: London exhibition reminder
31 Aug: I have a brilliant idea for a website. Basically it will be like an online bookstore...
30 Aug: 10 new Vimrod mugs
30 Aug: Keep your eye on the ball Rogers. Yes, yes, I know there actually isn't a ball.
29 Aug: Apologies for setting fire to your wheelie bin. Really, I have no excuse.
28 Aug: I have retractable claws. Useful for scratching plus is effectively inbuilt anti-skid functionality for when jumping...
27 Aug: Every time my wife goes away I have a general declutter...
24 Aug: There is a thing called the near and a thing called the far. Near the near is basically far from the far...
23 Aug: If in doubt, just keep on talkin'...
22 Aug: Never worry about the weather, because it sure ain't worrying about you. In fact, it hasn't even noticed you exist.
21 Aug: People who dance weirdly make better lovers
20 Aug: Decisiveness is the only way forwards, or backwards...
17 Aug: If in doubt, flirt.
16 Aug: You know what I could really do with right now? Some sushi. A big plate of sushi.
15 Aug: My barks have this special power that can make lights go on in neighbours' houses at night...
14 Aug: Omigosh. She's pregnant. One of my ants is pregnant! We're gonna have baby ants!
13 Aug: The answer to the universe is mifnisnik/oswohok, which is unfortunately untranslatable
07 Aug: I have adjusted my seat into the upright position and folded my tray-table. I feel so accomplished.
07 Aug: He is half-man, half-wit.
06 Aug: It's very hard to concentrate with all these different and interesting websites open...
03 Aug: I have worked out that if I wear my T-shirt inside out and then inside out again...
02 Aug: Scrunch. What a terrible, terrible word...
01 Aug: Why don't humans just breed wild geese, instead of chasing them all the time?
31 Jul: Apologies for being late. My neighbour has come up with this super-contagious bug virus thing...
30 Jul: At work they call me coccyx, appendix of tonsil. Kind of makes me feel not so massively valued...
27 Jul: I'd really like to get the ball rolling. We've got the ball, anyone got a slope?
26 Jul: The weather is so bad that I'm considering laying charges
25 Jul: Dear sir or madam. I was recently at your establishment. The staff were so rude that I think some of their faces have been put in upside down...
24 Jul: I am thinking of becoming a moron. Is it possible to get some advice from you?
23 Jul: I would be 100% perfect, but I am bad at maths which takes off 15%, so I am only 95% perfect...
19 Jul: Wine is the oil that greases the engine of the soul.....
18 Jul: Do you know what my clothes say about me? They say I need to buy some more clothes...
17 Jul: Hmm, what shall I do today? I know, I'll swim around on this lake
16 Jul: I find the sound of human voices curiously uninteresting
12 Jul: So this is it?
11 Jul: Stop struggling with your relationship Stan. Your human keeper is just a surrogate for your mom...
10 Jul: Good gossip is the oil that lubricates the engine of humanity
09 Jul: I reckon cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck basically
06 Jul: I've had enough. Of what, I have no idea, but enough is enough, I'm telling you.
05 Jul: LONDON SEPTEMBER EXHIBITION
05 Jul: I agree that the scenery etc in the lord of the rings was amazing, but I have so much family in New Zealand...
04 Jul: Deep inside the heart of every man is a philosopher. And inside that philosopher is another philosopher...
03 Jul: As far as the eye can see are the family sinus paddocks. We have been harvesting and breeding sinuses for generations...
02 Jul: Lide can be a bit doo-lah-lilly....which is why I fit in so well...
01 Jul: This is a situation...
29 Jun: Yes, I'm fully prepared to admit that I am never wrong
28 Jun: Life can be irksome hence the only good advice is to squeeze some lemon juice on it...
27 Jun: Do you know that humans eat cows. I find that totally weird.
26 Jun: Nothing quite like a good panic
25 Jun: Why show restraint?
22 Jun: I'm very happy that you can milk a cow in under 3 minutes, but this interview is for the programming position...
21 Jun: I find lettuce very saladular
20 Jun: Oh don't be silly. No actually, do be silly. It suits you.
19 Jun: If I knew how to catch one of them, I'd definitely eat a person. I reckon they look delicious.
17 Jun: I can't come into the office today becaue I am very busy dealing with my core issues of rising, falling, confronting...
15 Jun: Hmmm, I'm feeling a little peckish. What shall I have as a snack. Aaah, some grass...
14 Jun: Look Stan, we're all gonna get eaten at some point, so there's no point in worrying about global warming and all that.
13 Jun: I would like some sympathy. And if none is forthcoming I'd like some chocolate please.
12 Jun: My laptop is so advanced that it is a fourth generation laptop....
11 Jun: Ok, here comes that stupid dog again. He'll chase us and we'll all yell and cluck...
08 Jun: I smile on the inside so I bloody well don't need to smile on the outside as well...
07 Jun: Hello, this is your cat speaking. Sorry calling you at work...
06 Jun: You humans should sniff some butt. Seriously, it would probably do you some good.
05 Jun: Membersip to the royal society of hypochondriacs...
04 Jun: Everything in life needs a tweak or two. Tweaks are good.
31 May: I'm sorry you're having a bad hair day ... oh no ... you're not.
30 May: To err is humna
29 May: The trauma of rummaging for keys...
28 May: I am so high powered that my laptop has an inbuilt toaster
25 May: Life can be full of constant changes of structures...
24 May: I am going to have to take a quick course in archaeology now that all my opinions have ossified
23 May: The pursuit of happiness should be taken one sip at a time
22 May: Office life is a contradiction in terms
21 May: I'm not having a nervous breakdown, I'm having a perfectly calm breakdown.
18 May: Those chickens, dunno, I find them very cluckulatory
17 May: Deatils of my toast export business
16 May: Updated Glass Cathedrals website (www.glasscathedrals.com)
16 May: Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset etc...
15 May: Life can be a coaller roaster
14 May: I can't come into the office today because I have fallen into a category
11 May: There's a limit to everything in life (except the amount of rubbish I talk)
10 May: Once bitten, twice ventured, nothing shy, nothing gained. That's what I reckon.
09 May: Using an iguana to get attention in the office...
08 May: Yukk, this water tastes diluted
04 May: Girls like us deserve some respect (plus some nice little drinkies)
03 May: Apologies for bringing my goats into the office. I know it was irresponsible...
02 May: He is so high-powered that he has a toaster with 42 slots...
01 May: Hang on a sec, there's another shoe shop...
30 Apr: You know the way it goes fun, funner, funest - yes, well scientists have discovered a 4th level...
27 Apr: I don't have problems, I have issues
26 Apr: Omigish! This entire newspaper is printed upside down again. That's the second day in a row now.
25 Apr: I'm not running away from from my problems, I'm walking in a dignified yet accelerated fashion
24 Apr: I can smell a crisis coming. I know this because my nostrils are vibrating...
23 Apr: Life is a matter of dealing with crises before they hit, while they are hitting, and after they have hit...
20 Apr: Nothing like a bit of naked Karaoke to boost office morale
19 Apr: They have discovered a new species of hummingbird that is so small it doesn't even exist
18 Apr: I have downloaded a download onto your upload rostrum. I trust this is ok.
17 Apr: I dropped my keys down the back of the sofa and some elves took them...
16 Apr: In evet of vandalistic urge, break glass
02 Apr: I lay down on the Ottoman and now I can't get up. Ruddy Ottomans.
02 Apr: I lay down on the Ottoman and now I can't get up. Ruddy Ottomans.
30 Mar: Short walks to the chocolate vending machine, preferably every 2 hours, are good for circulation.
29 Mar: You really have to take the bull by its horns, except of course if you are allergic to bulls...
28 Mar: My address? Oh, its hut no 27, remoter shore of normality, east.
27 Mar: If you need technical assistance, please go away
26 Mar: The waves of time lap upon the beach of destiny but I couldn't be bothered because I'm having my nails done
23 Mar: Someone's been fiddling with my oxwagon, I can feel it. Even the oxen are edgy...
22 Mar: I can't come into the office today because my penguinarium ruptured overnight...
21 Mar: Europe's kind of boring me. Let's drive to America.
20 Mar: Is that your aura of brooding masculinity, or did you fart?
08 Mar: What to do in event of partner getting depressed about bald patch
07 Mar: No, no, I'm really disciplined with switching off my mobile phone (you can always reach me on my other one anyway)
06 Mar: Apologies for insulting the Eiffel tower scale model you built out of dessicated guinea-pig droppings...
05 Mar: If you are worried about having a bad week, then post yourself some toast on Monday...
02 Mar: Ok officer, I agree that forgetting my pin number was a bad idea, but pouring coffee down the mouth of the cashpoint...
01 Mar: Tim is short for Timothy and so obviously Tom is short for Tomothy, which, really, is an awful name...
28 Feb: I have joined a friends/networking site which is really great. There seem to be a lot of people out there...
27 Feb: Apologies. I seem to have lost the pin number to acess my own thoughts
26 Feb: Darling, painting that H in a circle on your bald patch and placing a small model helicopter up there only attracts attention...
23 Feb: ok, ok, i can't remeber my pin number, but i know it's 4 digits, so let's start: 001, nope, 002...
22 Feb: My great grandfather actually invented the oak tree. It was his idea and so now we are claiming royalties...
21 Feb: What do I do on weekends? I make sausage rolls and then stamp on them as hard as I can...
20 Feb: Global warming didn't really bother me until our iceberg started melting...
16 Feb: Adjacent to the leftitude is the decision-making nexus and adjacent to that is the cerebro-rumm-tumm-tumm
15 Feb: I can't come into the office today because I am going to spend the day in bed thinking about Barack Obama
14 Feb: You look weird. Is you back sore? No. Ok then, is your front sore?
13 Feb: Blessthischick Valentine icons
12 Feb: I'd like to apologise for actually looking like my passport photo
12 Feb: I'd like to apologise for actually looking like my passport photo
12 Feb: I'd like to apologise for actually looking like my passport photo
09 Feb: I always carry a tablespoon with me. You never know when you might need to balance one on your nose...
08 Feb: I am so high-powered that I actually built my own website before the internet was invented.
07 Feb: These iPod things, they'l never catch on.
06 Feb: Are you in a bad mood or is your face upside down?
05 Feb: I always carry binoculars with me. You never know when you might need to shrink an elephant.
02 Feb: Gosh I love DIY. I have built a water feature on the staircase....
1 Feb: I'm itching to get going (these anti rash demonstrations are always so exciting)
31 Jan: Is it reasonable? No. Is it feasible? No. Will it be fun? yes. Ok, let's do it then.
30 Jan: I am starting a theme-park called dandruff-land. It's going to be huge.
29 Jan: I can't come into the office today because the stirrup on my hasslehof decoagulator...
26 Jan: I fear that if I stop talking I might stop breathing
25 Jan: I tried to think out of the box but my fingers got caught in the lid
24 Jan: If Barack Obama became the next US president i would be so happy...
23 Jan: I have started a blog. It is very good. It is a self-expression blog diary...
22 Jan: Is that a policy initiative or a policy utter lack of initiative?
19 Jan: I can't come into the office today as I have epic diahorrea...
18 Jan: I would kill for those shoes...actually, let me rephrase that...
17 Jan: The left iritate me as do the right, and those in the centre piss me off...
16 Jan: Where there's hope, there's life, but where there's chocolate, there's me
15 Jan: It just doesn't make snense, no-one seems to take me sneriously
22 Dec: Greasons seetings
21 Dec: Can we go to the beach please. I like the feeling of a bit of sand in my bum...
19 Dec: Your designer clothes have some poo on them I'm afraid
19 Dec: Launch of Blessthischick free icon machine
18 Dec: Do you have something to say or are you just chewing the cud?
17 Dec: All houses are outside
15 Dec: London exhibition opens
14 Dec: I can't come into the office today because I am having an affair with my pilates instructor. Sorry.
13 Dec: My grandfather converted from human to walrus and in his autumn years lived in a reasonable sized colony just off Newfoundland
12 Dec: This piece is a snapshot of sumps, essentially....
11 Dec: I have invented a new discipline, a hybrid between tai-chi, tai-kwando, kung-fu, fukku-kukku ...
08 Dec: You can always tell what a man's shoes are like by looking at his shoes
07 Dec: A life lived is a life lived and yes, I do love being a philosopher...
06 Dec: I can't come into the office totday because some of my sheepshank coagulant has decoagulated. Sorry.
05 Dec: Your track record is impressive and everyone on the team likes you but....
01 Dec: I can't come into the office today because of information overload
30 Nov: I'n not complacent. I'm lazy.
29 Nov: I am so busy that I don't really have time to get any work done. Sorry.
28 Nov: The snituation is snerious
27 Nov: I have a sixth sense that can detect the vibrations of a chocolate from about a mile off
24 Nov: I don't bend the rules. I just massage them to a point where they are malleable and ductile
23 Nov: I fought a man called tonsil, and yes, I took him out
22 Nov: I am prepared to take my career one step at a time. Currently I am a sub-grunt...
21 Nov: I'd rather you didn't breathe on me like that, it's giving my lice asthma
20 Nov: London Exhibition: 16 - 23 December, Old Truman Brewery
20 Nov: I m in imports. I import chocolates, and then I eat them
17 Nov: I was fired because I had worms, and after I left, they were offered my position
16 Nov: Let me explain. No, actually, I couldn't be bothered
15 Nov: If you were trapped in a lift would you rather have a crowbar or a minibar?
14 Nov: It's impossible to lick your elbow
13 Nov: One day I'll sell up, buy a cottage in a small village, and become it's idiot
10 Nov: Can you not download an upgrade of yourself?
09 Nov: I am not indulgent II just refrain from restraint
08 Nov: Oops, sorry, I by mistake on purpose finished off the entire box
07 Nov: No nostril hairs allowed
06 Nov: You should join our book club, it's really good. We read the back's of cereal boxes...
03 Nov: I have three things to say: [1] Spend, [2] Spend, [3] Spend
02 Nov: I am a voiceover artist. I specialise in the grunts swordfighter make. Wanna go to a movie?
01 Nov: Two wrongs make a right, which is why the two of us sleep together I guess
31 Oct: Je suis dans le zeitgeist ok. In fact, je suis el encapsulation de la bloody zeitgeist
30 Oct: I have a split personality. One side loves chocolate and the other side also loves chocolate
25 Oct: The thing I really love about you is the fact that you inhabit the remoter shores of normality
24 Oct: I can't come into the office today because three of my guinea-pigs are menstruating
23 Oct: No irritating allowed
20 Oct: Sierra Hotel India Tango
19 Oct: I am not a management consultant. I am a management consnultant...
18 Oct: We are all delicious idiots
17 Oct: Your incompetence is actually quite charming
16 Oct: It's the little voices that tell me I'm hearing little voices
13 Oct: It was because of the wonderful wizard of Oz actually
12 Oct: Once bitten, twice bitten, inability to understand that gerbils have teeth
11 Oct: I was initially studying sheepshank coagulation, but then the whole dot come thing happened...
10 Oct: I am not stubborn. I am merely correct.
09 Oct: Available online
09 Oct: I kissed a frog and it turned into an investment banker. It was horrific.
06 Oct: Let's focus on strategy for the moment and worry abiut tactics later...
05 Oct: I find life disconcerting. May I please have some chocolate to stabilise myself.
04 Oct: Apologies for last night. I didn't mean to pulversie your Etruscan earthenware collection.
03 Oct: I have the deepest of respect for the depths of your bellybutton
02 Oct: Girls like us deserve the best, plus a little extra
29 Sep: Insofar as globalisation means you can buy chocolate almost anywhere, I think it's a good thing
28 Sep: My name is muuuuuuuuuku, and yes, that's with a treble u, another treble u...
27 Sep: I think he might be sponsored by the word "idiot"
26 Sep: I blame my father's father's father
25 Sep: You're a good programmer Edwards, but you have a runny tummy
22 Sep: Why do I keep checking email? Because I am expecting a message from Dr. Vorebivore...
21 Sep: We were all told to think out of the box so now all of us are, which is very exciting
20 Sep: My life is on cruise-control
19 Sep: Thanks for giving m a lift. Yup, I love hitch-hiking...
18 Sep: I never think twice about anything. In fact, I don't even think once.
15 Sep: May your home be filled with joy and may your cupboard be too small to hold all your shoes
13 Sep: Irish saying: May you have warm words on a cold evening and a full moon on a dark night...
13 Sep: It's essentially a basically. At it's base you can see thousands of figures climbing slowly, relentlessly...
12 Sep: Technically you are the perfect candidate, but the vomitting gecko is a problem...
11 Sep: Goog morning. Oh, gosh, it's already after miday, oh well...
08 Sep: If I've told you once I've told you twice, and if I've told you twice...
7 Sep: I can't come into the office as I am chairman of the global guinea pig alliance...
06 Sep: I can't tell whether I'm coming or going, but I'm convinced it was one of the two
05 Sep: Why I endorse democracy and the free market
04 Sep: May you live to be 100 years with one xtra year to repent
25 Aug: I'm really sorry, but I'm actually allergic to opinions
24 Aug: There's something weird about our lives, the way it's all repeated...
23 Aug: Oh you're from South Africa. Fascinating, which country?
22 Aug: How did people actualy survive before spelchek?
21 Aug: I am unable to come inot the office totday as I am having my personality installed
18 Aug: I'm sorry I can't come into the office today as I am having a Video Day...
17 Aug: I apologise for having vomited on your porsche
16 Aug: I am so talented that i can spalk and weak at the same time
15 Aug: If men spent more time shopping I bet you there would be fewer wars
14 Aug: God is being sued for releasing humans onto the open market without quality control...
11 Aug: Is that a birthmark or a leech?
10 Aug: Office excuse: Late last night a large pack of amenities came unto me...
09 Aug: Shhhhhhhh, I'm pottering in my head...
08 Aug: What to do if a vibrating spleen crosses your path...
07 Aug: Thanks for your report. It was folded up and used to stabilise a table at the meeting.
04 Aug: London Art Exhibition - Eyecandy06 - Spetember 14-18
04 Aug: An explanation of my ravioli and floppy disk sculpture...
03 Aug: He's about as interesting as the inside of an elbow
02 Aug: Just because you're my boss doesn't mean you can tell me what to do...
01 Aug: Why do I sit at my desk making paper aeroplanes all day? Because it's my job...
31 Jul: I am actually shocked by how interesting my autobiography is...
22 Jul: Any shop that displays chocolates in an open and indiscrete manner deserves to have them stolen.
21 Jul: If at first you don't succeed, pay for someone else to do it.
20 Jul: I'm feeling kind of wobbly. Do you have a napkin I could fold up and put under one of my legs?
19 Jul: Release your inner hula hoop
18 Jul: The fact that your pillows and duvet have feathers in them is disgusting...
17 Jul: I have a great void in my life (it's called a bank account)
14 Jul: Once a spider was rude to my mum, and since that day I have always disliked spiders
13 Jul: A quick message from the flight deck: Would you like the chicken or the beef, or the beef or the chicken...
12 Jul: Yes, I'm very interested in the position especially the programming side of things...
11 Jul: For you I'd fly round the moon and back, really, if I could do it. But I can't...
10 Jul: Our initiative has been stolen. Can you believe it, someone took the initiative.
07 Jul: Life is too short to compromise. For instance, if you're out shopping and see relatives...
06 Jul: You are acting like an idiot which is interesting since you are actually an idiot...
05 Jul: I'm afraid I shan't be coming in to the ofice today as I think you are a bunch of weird people...
04 Jul: Regarding your question, I'm afraid I can't give an answer because I wasn't listening.
03 Jul: Why, when commuting on a busy train, it's good to eat the finance section of your paper
30 Jun: It's not a matter of how much I earn. It's a matter of how stylishly I spend it.
29 Jun: There was a problem so god deployed some men to make it worse
28 Jun: This is your captain speaking. Just to let you know I'm an artist and if you'd like to buy any of my portraits...
27 Jun: What's the back of a kneee called. You don't know do you? Wel then you can't have the job.
26 Jun: This is your captain speaking. We're flying at an alty-waltitude of 30,000 feety-weety...
23 Jun: How many ants can you balance on your tongue? I can balance 12. Would you like to go to a movie?
22 Jun: Commitment is the ability to eat a large slab of chocolate and then another one.
21 Jun: When I was young my best friend was a combine-harvester called Eric...
20 Jun: When I was a kid, my best friend was an ant, but unfortunately he got hit by a raindrop back in '82.
19 Jun: There are times in your life when you have money, and there are times when you still don't have money.
16 Jun: I am unable to come into the office today because the sun is shining
15 Jun: My face looks like a cake that's been left out in the rain, but so what, I'll go to work anyway...
14 Jun: Who do you think you are,telling me what to do? My dad...uh, ok, sorry.
13 Jun: I am having an affair with a horticulturalist and we're doing a car boot sale in Worpington-on-Trent
12 Jun: Success is relative, i.e. relative to those ants, I am massively successful.
09 Jun: I'm finding that appearing to look busy is actually more tiring than being busy
08 Jun: My grandfather was a famous ant lip-reader
07 Jun: I am so brave. There was a snake on the path, so I bit it. The food isn't bad in this hospital.
06 Jun: Even our bellybuttons love each other
05 Jun: I take life as it comes, i.e. in small chunks that are shaped like chocolate...
02 Jun: Deep in the heart of every one of us lurks a sitcom
01 Jun: My grandfather was a famous ant hunter. He never went anywhere without his traps...
31 May: For the record, all the rumours about me are true
30 May: I don't believe in god but I do believe that some being or force created chocolate. Definitely.
29 May: Listen to your elders (except if they are wrong)
26 May: Your lack of self-awareness is inspirational
25 May: I have eyes in the back of my head. And do you know what I see? Hair. I see hair.
24 May: We may all be mortals, but I am a portal...
23 May: I can't come into the office today as I am suffering FOHP (fear of having peaked)
22 May: You irritate me, your mobile phone irritates me, and your family irritates me.
19 May: An account of my little moment of enlightenment
18 May: I'm sorry I can't come into the office today as my walrus has chicken-pox.
17 May: In the salad of life, you're the chef's fingernail that somehow slipped in
16 May: When I'm older I'd like to be a pirate. Even my grandchildren think it's a good idea.
15 May: Someone stood on my shadow and it really hurts
12 May: Boring boringer boringest
11 May: I'm sorry I can't come into the office today as I have a willy infection...
10 May: I'm sorry i can't come into the office today as my personality is leaking...
09 May: Would you like a coffee, a cuppucino...
o8 May: And on the eigth day god invented cheesecake
04 May: He who laughs last is probably a bit slow (or insecure)
03 May: We unfortunately don't have a vacancy for a talented ice-cream eater
02 May: Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the chocolate
01 May: Release your inner mountain goat
28 Apr: I chanced upon success but gave it such a fright that it ran away
26 Apr: Sorry I'm late. I was arrested on suspicion of being an idiot.
26 Apr: The long path to success has many challenges...
25 Apr: I can't come into the office today as my operating system is itchy. Sorry.
24 Apr: A lot of life is fabulous
21 Apr: This is Stan in the mailroom. I have a nervous breakdown with your name on it.
20 Apr: Remember those multiple choice questions we had at school...
19 Apr: Yes that's a photo of grandpa in Kenya just after he shot the ant
18 Apr: Adam's great great great great great great great great grandson
17 Apr: Indulge (or become boring)
14 Apr: Law of Urban Jungle: Kill and eat chocolate before it has chance to escape
13 Apr: I can't tidy my room because it's been declared a UN World Heritage site
12 Apr: Never let a bit of bad weather and traffic etc get in the way of a good shopping trip
11 Apr: Are men strictly necessary?
10 Apr: Mondays are fundays. Only joking.
07 Apr: I swear I didn't do anything, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing it
06 Apr: I'm not quite feeling myself today (I'm just rubbing gently)
05 Apr: Sometimes I feel that life is a train, and I'm in a seat facing the wrong way
04 Apr: Life is smell (so don't worry about it)
03 Apr: My mobile phone has started making small poos in my handbag...
01 Apr: Never stand between a good woman and a good shop
30 Mar: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing towards you
29 Mar: I have a sudden craving for a fourth bar of chocolate
28 Mar: Your lack of depression is making me nervous. Are you ok?
27 Mar: Hawaii? Ha why not ee?
24 Mar: The velociraptor of nothingness has come to my house
23 Mar: I wear 13 different types of aftershave hence increasing my chances of sexual success
22 Mar: I have a very high QI...erm...I mean...IQ
21 Mar: I only listen to organic music
20 Mar: When I look in the mirror I can see the back of my head. Am I weird?
17 Mar: Government instructions to help the economy
16 Mar: yes, I am an artist. I'd like to explain my stew stump piece
15 Mar: Do I still inspire you, or do you kind of feel sorry for me these days?
14 Mar: I'd like to be successful before I'm 20
13 Mar: Dad, there's a chap at the door with a hood and scythe
10 Mar: Two little tickey birds sitting on a wall...
09 Mar: My grandfather's time in the boer war
08 Mar: Boys even smell underwater
07 Mar: Trees irritate me
06 Mar: I am good, bad and ugly at the same time, which is why I'm so sexy
03 Mar: Life is an udder, just wanting to be milked (gross but true)
01 Mar: I only lick organic stamps
28 Feb: The answer, as ever, is probably
27 Feb: In the mornings I upload download software and in the afternoons download upload software
24 Feb: Is toast happy?
23 Feb: I am consufed
22 Feb: I slay dragons for chocolate
21 Feb: Why the top of my head is totally flat
20 Feb: I have a new idea for a business involving shetland ponies and toasters
17 Feb: I did such an amazing experiment at home with two microwave ovens
16 Feb: I am bored, bored, bored. I think I might light this lever-arch file and see what happens.
15 Feb: In my handbag I keep a giant wart that kills men
14 Feb: I am more me than anyone else
13 Feb: I'm sorry I can't come into the office today as my socks are too tight. I'll be in tomorrow hopefully.
10 Feb: I am in therapy....so keep your distance...
09 Feb: I'm sorry I can't come in to the office today as my hand has fallen asleep
08 Feb: I am an ombudsman. Would youlike to see my ombud?
07 Feb: My great grandfather fell into a vat of spinach when he was three, which is why I don't eat spinach
06 Feb: When I woke up this morning I looked at myself in the mirror...
3 Feb: Hello, this is your fridge speaking. Those magnets you stick on me, I hate them...
02 Feb: I only watch organic TV
01 Feb: I eat vegetarians
31 Jan: My heyday was this morning, while I was still asleep...
30 Jan: When you're older you're going to dance the way your parents do. Be afriad. Be very afriad.
27 Jan: Thank you for your email - the imbecile is currently out of the office...
26 Jan: The problem with my Mull of Kintyre
25 Jan: I would like to apply for the job. I am good with numbers...
24 Jan: I had an amazing childhood. I grew up on an ant farm...
23 Dec: Thank you for your weird email. You are weird, as is your organisation and probably your entire family.
22 Dec: Where are the socks I bought you last Xmas?
21 Dec: Happy Christmas (I'll be in the pub if you need me)
20 Dec: When Father Xmas finally lost it
19 Dec: You think you're so clever, well then what does water taste of huh huh?
16 Dec: I am about to play scissors, paper and stone with myself and I'm not sure which hand will win.
15 Dec: I must admit that later, after the guests had gone, we began to bitch about them...
14 Dec: I'm just trying to get this piece of toast out the toaster with my knife...
13 Dec: A nomad that goes mad is called a yesmad
12 Dec: I kind of feel like I'm starting to lose my marbles...
09 Dec: Hello, this is your life speaking. You have no idea what you're doing, do you?
08 Dec: One day I'll rule the wordl.......I mean, world.
07 Dec: I have often wondered what it must be like to have an udder. Do you think I'm weird?
06 Dec: Je suis un nomad. I move from place to place in my moccasins. Can I have some chocolate please.
05 Dec: What happened last night when my granny and I were watching TV...
2 Dec: Actually forget the mushrooms and anchovies. If I could just have a sprinkling of chocolate on my pizza, that would be great.
01 Dec: I was taken away by aliens...
30 Nov: Look me in the eye and tell me the truth; do I have a weird eye?
29 Nov: I had a nose job so now I have three nostrils. I'm chuffed. Really chuffed.
28 Nov: Dear mom and dad. Thanks for bringing me up. I have decided to become a nomad.
25 Nov: My life is such a mess that you could probably hire a 4X4 and do a safari through it
24 Nov: Have you ever eaten a Hobbit sandwich. No, well they're delicious
23 Nov: If a black cat crosses your path, it is bad luck. But if a six-legged, inverted, leaking udder...
22 Nov: My metamorphosis is complete. I am now disturbingly sexually attractive.
21 Nov: This is not a bald patch. It's a landing strip for small helicopters.
18 Nov: Hello, I am your ego. May I have a massage please.
17 Nov: I am a single, lone nostril. I have escaped. can you give me shelter?
16 Nov: On this fine day, the warbling ant of happiness says to you...
15 Nov: Why men play golf and not waterpolo
14 Nov: Do you want to be buried, cremated, or used as bait?
11 Nov: If your boss was about to jump off the window ledge...
10 Nov: Shopping Kills
09 Nov: In the great sushi bowl of life, how come I always get the piece that is still moving?
08 Nov: Of men and mammoths
07 Nov: When there's a foootball match on TV...
04 Nov: My mom was so mean to me that she sent me an invoice for the breast milk
03 Nov: Behind every great man is a fart
02 Nov: No, I will not eat liver
01 Nov: When teeth fall out, the tooth fairy comes, but when hairs fall out, no-one comes...
31 Oct: abcdefghhijaaaaaaargh
28 Oct: Go on, Coagulate. I dare you.
27 Oct: I have hired a management consultant to sort out my life
25 Oct: Hello - this is your toaster speaking...
24 Oct: Apparently in a recent interview god expressed regret at not having become a dentist
21 Oct: Balding is not funny (it's hilarious)
20 Oct: Society is structured in such a way that the obligation to obligate is...
19 Oct: A good trick for getting the day off...
19 Oct: A good trick for getting the day off...
18 Oct: God created TV. Then he switched on TV and saw that it was good...
17 Oct: Hello, I am a caravan, and yes, I am following you...
13 Oct: My mom was religious and my dad was a gingerbread man. No wonder I'm confused.
13 Oct: One day god woke up and felt not so good...
12 Oct: Mauvebeard was one of the least successful pirates...
11 Oct: darn, i'd like to start thinking but i've forgotten the pin number to my brain
10 Oct: Hello, this is your TV speaking. I am sick of watching you. Go away.
07 Oct: This is not a bald patch, it's an area designated for military exercises...
06 Oct: Maybe, just maybe, dishes don't want to be washed
05 Oct: I am not a nidiyit
03 Oct: i am a nindividual
03 Oct: Yippppeeeeeee! (is not how i feel first thing in the morning)
30 Sep: Ode to poets
29 Sep: Hello, this is the sky speaking. I'm doing a dissertation...
20 Sep: Ode to a new measurement
19 Sep: So what if my granny is a top-seeded mud-wrestler?
16 Sep: Who called this planet earth, and what if they got it wrong?
15 Sep: He should never have brought his work home with him...
14 Sep: When I grow up I want to be a boobologist
13 Sep: gosh i love the weekend sports section
12 Sep: Shhhhh, my brain is asleep
09 Sep: The characterisation of the contemporary hunter-gatherer
08 Sep: If the last chocolate on earth came to you for help...
07 Sep: Hello, this is your fridge speaking...
06 Sep: The difference between an elephant and an ant
05 Sep: I Love the way you cook. Those spontaneous little fires!
2 Sep: If a massive meteorite was heading towards earth...
01 Sep: I have a split personality: One side loves red wine...
31 Aug: I have a dumb grin that I keep in my handbag and wear at work
30 Aug: Thank god for cntrl Z
26 Aug: Mengeh tonmaainervs (huh?)
25 Aug: How about a swap. My husband for your handbag?
24 Aug: I can read your mind. I do wish you'd use a bigger font.
23 Aug: Burp. I am full of myself.
22 Aug: My aim in life is to get caught up whiskey creek without a paddle
19 Aug: i am not obsessive compulsive
18 Aug: One day I'll be so rich that every time I need milk I'll just buy a cow
17 Aug: I have been collectiing toast for 8 years now...
16 Aug: Is there any cure for the human condition?
15 Aug: ....um, you seem to be leaking
12 Aug: Hello, this is the sky speaking...
11 Aug: Sometimes I just think to myself, I'd really like a jolly good spanking...
10 Aug: Life is short. Fart in elevators.
09 Aug: Bungalow bungalow bungalow
08 Aug: Its the snimple things in life that please me
05 Aug: I feel bloated. I should never have eaten that horse.
04 Aug: My dog ate my homework (and then it died)
03 Aug: Despite the warning sign at our office regarding aardvarks...
2 Aug: I reckon the cow jumped over the moon because it was about to be eaten
01 Aug: Yes, this is my passport sir
29 Jul: Life isfuh knee
28 Jul: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, get bored
27 Jul: Take responsibility (and put it in a bottle and throw the bottle into the sea)
26 Jul: I woke up this morning to find a crop circle in my garden...
25 Jul: Life is much snimpler if you sning
22 Jul: Life is a journey (between the fridge and the sofa)
21 Jul: Oh my god I cannot actually believe how photogenic I am
20 Jul: Available for brief fling - speak to my secretary
19 Jul: I am bigger than the yoonivers
18 Jul: Life is short (so borrow)
15 Jul: Alfalfa male
14 Jul: I am as solid as a rock (which is a shame as i am a marshmallow)
13 Jul: Huntershlossens, hummentussens and ellenbogens
12 Jul: Women and really wonderful which is why they have that website...
11 Jul: I type with one finger
08 Jul: The day my toaster wasn't working
07 Jul: I am so busy that I barely have the time to ignore you
06 Jul: My problem with the word yesteryear
05 Jul: Tooth ink, or not tooth ink, that is the question
04 Jul: Je suis glockenmeister
01 Jul: I don't work for an organisation, I work for a disorganisation
30 Jun: A rather strange little sentence
29 Jun: Every day I go in to my office and stare at my monitor...
28 Jun: Sulking is super
26 Jun: Last night while I slept, a massive breast wobbled into my bedroom...
23 Jun: When Peter Pan and Alice were older
23 Jun: What happened to Alice when she was older
23 Jun: hello, I am a con man...
22 Jun: What's the fuss about ants being so strong?
21 Jun: What mortgages do at night
20 Jun: The shepherd said unto his sheep, come my flock...
17 Jun: I consider stolen office stationery to be part of my pension
16 Jun: Deep inside the heart of every one of us is an artist...
15 Jun: I'm afraid I can't come into the office today as one of my ants has been murdered
14 Jun: The best days of our lives are the nights
13 Jun: I have so much potential that I think I might explode
10 Jun: Scientists have developed genetically-modified sheep...
09 Jun: Never say never.....I mean, under no circumstances say never.
08 Jun: Why it's fine to bite off more than you can chew...
07 Jun: Smile, or go home
06 Jun: I am so busy at work that I don't even have time to steal office stationery
03 Jun: Beware of men with feet
02 Jun: Polly put the kettle on, but then Suki blooming it off again...
01 Jun: Life is a simple matter of love, ambition, multicollinearity...
31 May: How come we don't have janitors on this side of the Atlantic?
27 May: Strange to think that parents were all once children...
26 May: Every day I go in to my office and stare at my monitor and think, "what kind of life is this?..."
25 May: Once, long, long ago vast herds of willies roamed the open plain...
24 May: When Lucy'd simply had enough of diamonds...
23 May: If you had the choice between being a filosiffer or a fizisist, which would you choose?
20 May: The intricacies of office organisation
19 May: So we've had the ice age and the stone age. Now it's the sofa age.
18 May: I really love reality tv,really, i mean, the news for example, is really good and very realistic
17 May: All you need is love, and gin, and tonic
16 May: I can't come in to the office today as I have osmosis
13 May: Every day is the best day of your life, unless...
12 May: I am a normal people, so beware
11 May: Jungle survival tip: If you are trapped in a jungle with your granny...
10 May: My seven deadly sins are chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and chocolate
09 May: If the Oscars were called the Dereks, would they still be so coveted?
06 May: The only way to live life is by breathing continuously
05 May: If I was Prime Minister for a day I would rob a bank and hide the money. The next day...
04 May: If money grew on trees I bet a lot of people would suddenly become outdoorsy types
03 May: Life is a series of mishaps...
29 Apr: Thous shalt not cover thy neighbour's stotinki
27 Apr: Friends, Romans, Countrymen...lend me your ears
26 Apr: I only eat free-range chocolates
22 Apr: The difficulty my parents have in returning to the country
21 Apr: When I'm asleep elves come mountain biking across my belly. Should I lose some weight?
20 Apr: If I am not a millionaire by the time I'm 25, I will be disappointed. I am disappointed.
19 Apr: The answer to the big question is love. The answer to all the little questions is good red wine.
18 Apr: I reckon Jurassic Park was not real. It was all special effects.
15 Apr: Boys make excellent pets
14 Apr: I am not poking my nose. I inhaled an elf and I am trying to get him out
13 Apr: I kill potplants
12 Apr: Who cares about the answer to the universe, let's focus on the question...
11 Apr: Dasid Hasselhof actually shot Goliath
08 Apr: Hello. This is your fridge speaking. I am leaving, along with the dishwasher...
07 Apr: In life's rich ageant, you are the turd on the way to the pageant
06 Apr: When I was little the tooth fairy came and took my teeth. Were you visited by the brain fairy?
05 Apr: Hello. This is Teddy. You know the Teddy you loved when you were two...
04 Apr: So you say you love your computer huh?
27 Mar: What do ants have in their pants? Tiny little humans?
25 Mar: Once upon a time there was abeautiful princess, but then she started eating junk food...
24 Mar: I went to Casablanca. Amazing that an entire city was named after a movie.
23 Mar: If you discovered that your grandma was actually made of chocolate, would you eat her?
22 Mar: There was actually a fourth little piggy, but it was fattened up and eaten long before the fairytale began
21 Mar: Hi, my name's Nimbus. Kyoomyoolah Nimbus.
18 Mar: You should never have bought that igloo. I told you its value wouldn't hold.
17 Mar: I'm fine first thing in the morning, really.
16 Mar: I have a bad back but a good willy
15 Mar: I reckon Bobby shot JR
14 Mar: I snore in fourteen different languages
11 Mar: Planet earth is characterised by air, land, sea, plants, creeatures, and pubic hairs all over the place.
10 Mar: Launch of free animated Vimrod e-greetings website
09 Mar: I would like to be a dog for a day so I could pee against my boss' leg without major repercussions
04 Mar: Big brother is watching you...um, no, actually, he's watching me. You go ahead and do whatever you want.
02 Mar: If I were PM for a day, I would declare the Bordeaux region of France a British colony
01 Mar: What happened to David shortly after he defeated Goliath
28 Feb: Rhonda was unable to help me
25 Feb: What happens to my brain when I think about my bank balance
24 Feb: A tie is about as useful as a lemming's pension
24 Feb: A tie is about as useful as a lemming's pension
23 Feb: I am on the cabinet. Minister of Beverage Affairs (fortuitously the Cabinet is the Liquor Cabinet)
22 Feb: Make pasta, not war
21 Feb: No woman no cry. Football team lose, yes cry.
18 Feb: I was captured by aliens but then I started talking about myself so they let me go
17 Feb: My gladiator genes have been supressed by my urban twat genes
16 Feb: One day us idiyitts will rool the world
15 Feb: If men didn't watch football they would probably play the bagpipes...
14 Feb: Be my valentine or I call the police
11 Feb: All I want in life is money and then some more money
10 Feb: In the great digestive tract of life, we are all mere hiccups
09 Feb: When you dance you look like a constipated osteopath
08 Feb: Laugh at life otherwise it might bite you
07 Feb: hello, i am a smelly sock reborn as a businessman. watch out.
04 Feb: May the IQ-enhancing fairy visit you sooner rather than later
03 Feb: Raindrops keep falling on my head (and it's rather painful 'cos I'm an ant)
2 Feb: Your abdomen is weird
01 Feb: Alath I licked a thtamp and it thuck permanently to my tongue
31 Jan: Hello, I am the small bird that chirps outside your window every morning...
28 Jan: You never let me get a word in edgeways. Can you at least let me get one in sideways.
27 Jan: Hello, this is your fridge speaking. I'm sorry calling you at work...
26 Jan: I was wondering, has your family's gene-pool been modified in any way?
25 Jan: I got up in the middle of the night and found my computer rummaging through the fridge - should I be worried
24 Jan: Wine is made to be drunk. I am drunk. Therefore, wine is amde to be me??
21 Jan: I was taken away by aliens, but when I peed on the control panel they released me
20 Jan: This is your computer speaking. You have no idea what you are doing, do you?
19 Jan: Congratulations on your millionth fart
18 Jan: I won't make it to my Hypochondriac's Anonymous meeting as I have an eyelid tic
17 Jan: Screen your calls - you never know when your conscience might call
14 Jan: What's all the fuss about oysters?
13 Jan: What Ghenkis Khan said to his aide as they prepared to attack Europe
12 Jan: Never eat yellow snow
11 Jan: Hello, I am minister of love affairs - I would like to set up a meeting
10 Jan: A while back men were given the choice: evolve or watch football - the rest is history.
07 Jan: Isn't it interesting how boring interesting people often are
06 Jan: The great thing about progress is that there are still more shopping malls to be built
05 Jan: When my blue suede shoes got stolen
03 Jan: The answer to the universe is blah
24 Dec: A message from the mammoth of happiness
23 Dec: My boss breastfeeds her mobile phone. Should I be worried?
22 Dec: I googled you and found that you don't exist. Please explain.
21 Dec: Life starts messy and ends messy so how come we have to tidy our rooms?
20 Dec: Chocolate is the answer and I don't give a damn about the question
17 Dec: When I'm older I want to be a doctor so I can give myself a brain transplant
16 Dec: I laugh therefore I am
15 Dec: What happens if you phone god reverse-charge
14 Dec: If life is Mount Everest, you'll find me at in the wine-bar at base camp
13 Dec: Have you read Yolanda and the Yumwurst Factory?
10 Dec: Sometimes life is so sweet it gives me a toothache
09 Dec: In a previous life I was a legendary revolutionary potato
08 Dec: I think it's your fault that the dish ran away with the spoon
07 Dec: The football stadium deep within the brain of every man
06 Dec: Obsessive compulsive watching of football and art
03 Dec: I am the noodle of fortune
02 Dec: The simple horror of office Christmas parties
01 Dec: What I think of when I think of family
30 Nov: Life is pudding
28 Nov: Your bum is sofa-shaped. How come?
26 Nov: I am a nostril hair and am actually exceptionally powerful
25 Nov: The name's Bond, James Derek Godiver Remington Hingston Bond
24 Nov: So what if I want to be a ballerina
23 Nov: Darn, a piece of chocolate just fell into my mouth by mistake!
22 Nov: May the nostril hair removing fairy visit you sooner rather than later
19 Nov: Certain effects I have on small children
18 Nov: My position in the encyclopaedia of life...
17 Nov: All you need is love...
16 Nov: London art exhibition 29 Nov - 05 Dec
15 Nov: All the men I've ever been involved with...
12 Nov: I'm not late, I got abducted by aliens
11 Nov: If it started to rain champagne
10 Nov: You should always follow your heart
09 Nov: I spy with my little eye...
08 Nov: Hi, I am the Grand Old Duke of York
05 Nov: The spigot inside the brain of every man
04 Nov: When I was abducted by aliens
03 Nov: The aardvark of utter happiness
02 Nov: Hello, I am a sock
01 Nov: What if there were only two chocolate bars left on planet earth?
29 Oct: When I'm older I want to be a ballerina
28 Oct: Houston we have a problem
27 Oct: What were humans like before computers arrived?
26 Oct: Ghenkis takes an office job
25 Oct: The suburb god kept in his pocket
22 Oct: Adam's great great great great great great great grandfather
21 Oct: Anaconda digesting medium-sized auditing firm
20 Oct: The definition of capitalism
19 Oct: Life as a wart
18 Oct: The legendary granitic yawner of Rajah-Poojah
15 Oct: Jake's suburb fungus
14 Oct: Down periscope! (the corporate cocktail circuit)
13 Oct: I believe in god a fear his wrath
12 Oct: She realised he was giving her the cold shoulder
11 Oct: Dad I want more pocketmoney
08 Oct: Why no-one gets to see the tooth fairy
07 Oct: There was an old woman who lived ina shoe
06 Oct: Lovely semi-detached house for sale
05 Oct: I'm determined to crack this new technology thing
04 Oct: Um, sir...I think something's gone wrong!
01 Oct: The fabled aquatic epiglottises of Loch Ness
30 Sep: Stop the world, I want to get off and check email
29 Sep: A most sophisticated camel indeed
28 Sep: He was weird, but his fairy was weirder
27 Sep: To err is humn, to purr is cat
24 Sep: When scientists finally built telescopes...
23 Sep: When god invented the futon
22 Sep: One the one end of your nose is its tip...
21 Sep: Rodney the vegetarian vampire
19 Sep: Face-to-face with destiny on a beach
17 Sep: My witchdoctor says I'm making good progress
16 Sep: What an ostrich thinks every time it sees a human
15 Sep: Art is wart without the w
14 Sep: The olympic angel
13 Sep: Your dad on the dance-floor
10 Sep: Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go
09 Sep: Drawbacks of using U-boats in office espionage
08 Sep: Inside Margaret Thatcher's handbag
07 Sep: Walrus with an attitude problem
06 Sep: You know the way men shout when they watch football...
03 Sep: Baby Dracula at feeding time
02 Sep: Never leave your personality in your wallet
1 Sep: How the average tongue sees the world
31 Aug: Help - my job is trying to kill me!
30 Aug: The new computers that were part nostril
27 Aug: In the core of mans' brain is another brain and then another
26 Aug: Are you sure it was a goldfish you bought?
25 Aug: Keep you feet on the ground and reach for the stars
24 Aug: The small accounting firm on his shoulder
22 Aug: London Art Exhitbition - 20/21 September (Spitz Gallery)
20 Aug: A most curious fact about Snow White
19 Aug: Regret sets in almost immediately after god creates pigeons
17 Aug: The meaning of life
15 Aug: Identifying the bucket-headed ostrogoth
13 Aug: Characteristics of contemporary society
12 Aug: Three seagulls and a flying moustache
11 Aug: I am a chicken and this is what I think of you
10 Aug: 007's first shoulder-mounted weapon
09 Aug: Cabin crew, doors to manual!
06 Aug: When being a good guy can hinder promotion
05 Aug: The meaning of life
04 Aug: If voicemail irritates you
03 Aug: The little voices and email
02 Aug: You are man of the moment
30 Jul: Between the moon and New York city
29 Jul: The hairiness of cavemen
28 Jul: What's happened to my shrink?
27 Jul: The usefulness of desk drawers
26 Jul: Houston we have a problem
23 Jul: Help, I'm a teabag and somebody's trying to kill me
22 Jul: The appellation of soldiers
21 Jul: The answer to the universe
20 Jul: My problem with working is twofold
18 Jul: The meaning of Incy-wincy spider's life
16 Jul: My head has been put on backwards
15 Jul: Why the sky is blue
14 Jul: I am the last surviving dodo
13 Jul: I have emailed god a hundred times
12 Jul: The state of current affairs
09 Jul: Behind every great woman
08 Jul: Never mock a walrus
07 Jul: The story of Jack & Jill
06 Jul: The joys of office parties
05 Jul: When poodles return to Malta
02 Jul: The questionable neutrality of the Swiss
01 Jul: Stream of consciousness
30 Jun: I am a poet
29 Jun: If you were starving...
28 Jun: Every time you get beamed up
25 Jun: Oops, you dropped your personality!
24 Jun: Vimrod: Sneezes and in-laws
23 Jun: Vimrod: Help, I've swallowed a toaster
22 Jun: On the 8th day god checked email
21 Jun: The beginning of the end for the aspirins
18 Jun: Giant flatulent bison
17 Jun: Nostril hair virus
16 Jun: When bellybuttons gossip
15 Jun: Jonah, the whale, and GPS
14 Jun: Streetlamp recaptured
11 Jun: Millipede with leprosy
10 Jun: Epiglottis with moron attached
9 Jun: Scully's first paranormal experience
8 Jun: Snail messes up on first date
07 Jun: Perhaps Donald was never meant to be a dentist
04 Jun: Bickering dungbeetle wife
03 Jun: The yodeling wine glass
02 Jun: The legendary kleptomaniac carrots of Sussex
01 Jun: Corporate communications consultants
31 May: How butterflies see humans
28 May: When you marry a Russian
27 May: In the ground beneath Piza
26 May: The North London Epiglottis Appreciation Society
25 May: The benefits of miniature nose-bats
24 May: Sell-out giraffe
21 May: Free lunch at shrink
20 May: when your boss looks over your shoulder
19 May: Angels at the pizza house
18 May: The clockwork colleague
17 May: Clouds on a day out
14 May: In the Loch Ness public loos
13 May: HOw computers see humans
12 May: In the heart of every tornado
11 May: When Gloria downloaded the suburb virus
09 May: Hippo with halitosis
07 May: Grandad and baby Dracula
06 May: Love between elephant & aardvark
05 May: How Pavarotti's epiglottis sees the world
04 May: Irma still managed to folow him around
03 May: The swimmer and the elephant
29 Apr: Suburban potato
28 Apr: Bad feeling about Machiavelli
27 Apr: Eighth Day channel-flicking
26 Apr: Unfortunately caravan-headed
23 Apr: Problem child on the beach
21 Apr: Recognising a jellyfish
20 Apr: The camel and the Ten Commandments
19 Apr: How tortoises see humans
16 Apr: Kangaroos and their senile old parents
15 Apr: Darth Vader attempts to set up an email account
14 Apr: Euston, we have a problem
13 Apr: Corporate motivational headgear
09 Apr: Three-bummed floogle of Loch Ness
08 Apr: A laptop embedded in the back of his head
07 Apr: How spiders see humans
06 Apr: Part laptop, part hairy nostril
05 Apr: A sociable elbow
02 Apr: And on the eighth day god made toast
01 Apr: How the internet really works
31 Mar: How mosquitoes see humans
30 Mar: Something seriously wrong with his computer
29 Mar: Bats watching nature documentary
26 Mar: Fugitive postcards in London pub
25 Mar: Judge a man by his shoes
24 Mar: Potato lemmings
23 Mar: School of corporate ladder climbing
22 Mar: Baked bean karaoke
19 Mar: Submarine meets swimmer
18 Mar: Looks like it's going to be an aggressive takeover
17 Mar: God's attempt to boost membership in heaven
15 Mar: The Knights of the Round Table
12 Mar: Toast missionaries
11 Mar: Something odd about the accountant
10 Mar: The thumb-tack family on vacation
09 Mar: Eric the breast-head's crucial role
08 Mar: 43 unemployed Feng Shui consultants
05 Mar: Not all bum cheeks get on
04 Mar: Under the board was a committee
3 Mar: As he slept, the giant noodle came to him
02 Mar: I think we're gonna fly this year
01 Mar: Rodney awoke to find it had noodled overnight
27 Feb: Rodey the angelic angel
26 Feb: The dreaded Tuba virus
25 Feb: The fire apeared to be no accident
24 Feb: The sub-committee in his shoe
23 Feb: The disconcertingly large ear
20 Feb: We have a spy in our midst
19 Feb: Problems with heaven's gate opening mechanism
17 Feb: The restructuring of heaven
16 Feb: Dr. Lichtenstein the Zooologist
13 Feb: Goldfish attitude to feng shui
12 Feb: Another day in the accounts department
11 Feb: Fence with hiccups
10 Feb: Demoted from scapegoat to redundant
09 Feb: Mating camels
06 Feb: Big-nosed fellow being jumped by a burger
05 Feb: Alaskan office bloke
04 Feb: Man with regrettably argumentative earlobe
03 Feb: Pooh informs his colleagues of his allergy
02 Feb: Revenge of the baked beans
30 Jan: The most depressing job in the world
29 Jan: Laptop with downloadable soothsayer
28 Jan: The notorious, demonic, carniverous bean
27 Jan: Computers and their users
26 Jan: The miniature nose owl
21 Jan: The problem with Dave's pig-shaped epiglottis
20 Jan: Deep inside the director's nostril
19 Jan: Normal pirates have parrots.
16 Jan: Doris expected the cake to be ready
15 Jan: Cucumber with epiglottis
14 Jan: Jake really needed to upgrade his computer
13 Jan: Meeting room for halitosis anonymous
12 Jan: What scientist's discovered inside Hershcel's nostril
09 Jan: He should have mentioned his cousins in the roof
08 Jan: Ivor had been hired for his amazing memory
07 Jan: Miro takes his dog for a walk
06 Jan: The tip of the iceberg
22 Dec: The frown crept over his forehead
19 Dec: Depressed millipede on small planet
18 Dec: Another something really odd about the new guy
17 Dec: Millipede on hamster treadmill
16 Dec: Danger: Demoralised Zone ahead
15 Dec: The plastic surgery hadn't gone well
12 Dec: Friend of friend arriving for monthly royalty cheque
11 Dec: The hump-back whale virus
10 Dec: London buses escaping across the channel
09 Dec: Something really odd about the new guy
08 Dec: Special offer on nose jobs: Two for one
05 Dec: Hotline to the clouds
04 Dec: Ye grande olde rumour shoppe
03 Dec: Irritating by-products of genetic engineering
02 Dec: He really needed that first cup of coffee
01 Dec: When the Eiffel Tower started breeding
28 Nov: Nervous systems having a drink
27 Nov: Attack of the 50ft auditor
26 Nov: What men think about when they are fishing
25 Nov: Office politics mercenaries
24 Nov: Bar of soap at the shrink
21 Nov: Swiss army dogs on patrol in the Alps
20 Nov: An irrational fear of monsters
19 Nov: Life was a struggle for Jojo the sumo cowboy
18 Nov: Advanced telephone techniques
17 Nov: Her reaction to his built-in toaster
14 Nov: By-products of genetic engineering: Sarcastic sheep
13 Nov: Young, ambitious computer geek Darth Vader
12 Nov: Teenage sand dune
11 Nov: Arms-length management
10 Nov: The unbearable lightness of being
07 Nov: Migrating escalators of the Himalayan foothills
06 Nov: Mermaid skinny-dip
05 Nov: Solicitors' salsa
04 Nov: Wim Wenders' wife's wombat website
03 Nov: Steve's problem nostril hair
31 Oct: Morris, stop playing with your dinner!
30 Oct: Desperate sea-cucumber dressed as an accountant
29 Oct: Maurice Stern, inventor fish
28 Oct: Something in his boss' mouth (a laptop perchance?)
27 Oct: The hatch on Granny Essie's forehead
24 Oct: It was bad enough being trapped at sea with a gian Pea
23 Oct: The most disgusting thing ever
22 Oct: Row, row, row your boat
21 Oct: How to get toast through a toast-detector
20 Oct: How to find a job
17 Oct: How to deal with stress
16 Oct: How to liberate toast
15 Oct: How to live life
14 Oct: The fairly large nose from the accounts dept.
13 Oct: Roger the rowboat head
10 Oct: Planet builder as photographed by Apollo 11
09 Oct: The Ford family 1902
08 Oct: Elephant with built-in librarian
07 Oct: Jones attempts motivation techniques on carrots
06 Oct: The elusive curious floogle family of Loch Ness
03 Oct: How dogs see the earth
02 Oct: Slotnigg Economics Consulting
01 Oct: Tom Thumb's dad
30 Sep: The old woman who lived in a shoe
29 Sep: The long horse of wyoming
26 Sep: The London Eye-cycle
25 Sep: Scouts going for their internet badges
24 Sep: Moses, stop playing with your food!
23 Sep: When Derek started feeling vulnerable
22 Sep: If elephants were dogs
19 Sep: The steak & kidney pie UFO
18 Sep: No ostrich eggs in desks overnight
17 Sep: When Dave discovered his left ear could speak
16 Sep: The yodelling corporate goldfish
15 Sep: When islands play with the minds of men
12 Sep: What Cody found inside his dad's head
11 Sep: Under his cap was another nerd in a cap
10 Sep: Eunice Thistlebleek, 101 years old, and her computer
09 Sep: Location & room layout vital to negotiating
08 Sep: Millipede date not going too well
05 Sep: When the cactus finally spoke
04 Sep: What's better than dress-down Fridays?
03 Sep: Moses forgets his password
02 Sep: Ever get the feeling you're being watched?
01 Sep: What Dave found in his right nostril
29 Aug: There's nothing wrong with GM food!
28 Aug: Something odd about the new guy
27 Aug: 50% camel, 50% another camel
26 Aug: His desk was declared a World Heritage Site
25 Aug: The legendary Sydney Opera Fish
22 Aug: Undersea cable repairs
21 Aug: Motivation school for chickens
20 Aug: Home heads making an effort to stay friends
19 Aug: Aggressive email marketing
18 Aug: Derek the island-head's very own castaway
15 Aug: Black hole at the shrink
14 Aug: Concerns about your resume
13 Aug: How onions see the world
12 Aug: If Bill Gates had been a vegetable farmer
11 Aug: The night his IQ snuck out for a glass of milk
08 Aug: The legendary golf clubs of Loch Ness
07 Aug: Always check out who you're dealing with
06 Aug: The giant breakdancing granny of Loch-ness
05 Aug: The receptionist calls the shots
04 Aug: Down on the Sumo farm
01 Aug: Jeremy should never have become a public notary
31 Jul: The legendary aquatic buddhas of Loch Ness
30 Jul: Corporate Management Communication Software Malfunction
29 Jul: Suddenly the keyboard grinned
28 Jul: The successful nose job
25 Jul: The night the cactus spoke to him
24 Jul: The inspiring optimism of Jojo the sumo surfer
23 Jul: Correllation between equity prices & Elvis sightings
22 Jul: Disappointment for Ivor at the skills counsellor
21 Jul: How to motivate carrots
18 Jul: Office politics means marking out your territory
17 Jul: That's cruel Dorothy!
16 Jul: The men's room at the Sydney Opera House
15 Jul: All eyes on Cedric the chicken
14 Jul: Migrating Kalahari toilets
04 Jul: Paxman's last interview
03 Jul: I hate that finger puppet
02 Jul: Mr. and Mrs. Oval's son makes it big time
01 Jul: Escaping pimples
27 Jun: Xerxes 2000, the email-etiquette ogre
26 Jun: The vindictive screensaver
25 Jun: An auditor in sheep's clothing
24 Jun: How nostrils view the world
20 Jun: The campsite approach to office Feng Shui proved a great success
19 Jun: Dealing with small talk
18 Jun: Why do we do this again?
17 Jun: Tough times ahead for Steven Spielberg
16 Jun: Moses on vacation at the sea with his parents
13 Jun: Appendix at the shrink
12 Jun: The night the cactus came and spoke to him
11 Jun: The Martian's cunning breast-shaped spaceships
10 Jun: When his suit went off to check email
09 Jun: I see you've had another brilliant idea!
06 Jun: e-mail with water-skier attached
05 Jun: I seem to have a coffee plant growing out of my ankle
04 Jun: Ye Grande Olde Opinion Shoppe
03 Jun: Negotiating strategies: The power of suggestion
02 Jun: Good times with the cliche family on vacation
30 May: Oh no, they've got Martin! (escaping chewing gum)
29 May: Honey, I'm home
28 May: The joy of negotiating with economists
27 May: Dilemma for the escaping dog poos
26 May: The warm glow of the new corporate identity
23 May: To be or not to be: Tax implications
22 May: Banana couple having an argument
21 May: Gary the tax credit was the most popular kid on the block
20 May: Dr. Dinnie knew it was going to be a long day
19 May: Snozzles: Tiny nocturnal creatures that leave fur in keyboards overnight
16 May: Despite her innocent look, she was a real cow
15 May: The man who downloaded a rather large breast off the internet
14 May: The inevitable breakdown in the economists' marriage
13 May: The honourable intentions of fiscal policy Sheila
12 May: New ways to open takeover negotiations
09 May: How carrots see the world
08 May: The legendary valley of a million wobbling breasts
07 May: Another dull day at the Kaplonk Confetti Factory
06 May: Business school for giraffes
02 May: There was actually an 8th dwarf
01 May: The boss' labyrinth
30 Apr: Did the caravan really want to be on holiday with them?
29 Apr: The new management team: All teenagers
28 Apr: The advantages of Rio Carnival Mondays
25 Apr: Why never to eat a carrot whole
24 Apr: Options in the passport photo booth
23 Apr: The micro-management course
22 Apr: The simple genius of www.free-bone-download.com
18 Apr: Be prepared for what the man at immigration might ask
17 Apr: The breeding toilets
16 Apr: Advances in genetic engineering: The Bull-bear Creature
15 Apr: Next time round no humans
14 Apr: The mysterious popularity of the office water-cooler
11 Apr: The Valley of a Thousand Postmen
10 Apr: Omigosh my shrink's shrunk!
09 Apr: Crouching Auditor, Hidden Accounts
08 Apr: The sushi that got away!
07 Apr: Jerry Wimpster - succesful derivatives trader and parton of the farts.
04 Apr: The ex-wife & the family tree
03 Apr: Finance terminlogy explained: IPO
02 Apr: What happens when you feed the gold-fish Viagra!
01 Apr: Lawyer's Lambada
31 Mar: What's better than dress-down Fridays? Lego Mondays
28 Mar: The release of cloned Bill Gates into the economy
27 Mar: Positive consequences of the 2002 accounting scandals
26 Mar: There's no such thing as too little work
25 Mar: Symptoms of excessive Powerpoint use
24 Mar: Jones gathering his thoughts
21 Mar: Bernie the ambitious wart
20 Mar: Prehistoric sandwiches freely roaming the open plains
19 Mar: What happens when you eat sushi every day in the office
18 Mar: Martians plan invasion (with voicemail)
17 Mar: Elvis Mondays
14 Mar: Derek's hitch-hiking difficulty
13 Mar: E.T. phone home
12 Mar: James Bond loses his touch with the ladies
11 Mar: Fashionable baby names for the 21st Century
10 Mar: At home with the rainbows
07 Mar: Every office needs a beach-bum
06  Mar: Valley of the missing wallets
05 Mar: How bond markets work
04 Mar: Legal dejargonator
03 Mar: Gateway to another dimension
28 Feb: E-mail with fart attachment
27 Feb: Password-protected heaven
26 Feb: Running out of memory
25 Feb: Loincloth Tuesdays
24 Feb: Contact lens pilgrimage
21 Feb: Airbag workstations
20 Feb: Synchronised secretaries
19 Feb: A Mickey Mouse operation
18 Feb: Little Jack Horner
17 Feb: Invasion of the yellow sticky notes
16 Feb: How to survive a day at the office

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